Peaks and Valleys

It’s been a long time since I updated. Today, I want to focus on my mental health. As I mentioned some months back, I have been on a mood stabilizer since close to the beginning of the year to address my hypomanic phases. While I would love the bursts of energy that they would provide me to accomplish a great deal of tasks, I did not appreciate the lethargy and depression that would follow for days afterwards. And it has honestly been probably 4-6 months (or whenever my post on here was about my hypomania). 

However, I have noticed lately a feeling of “blah,” which I would like to address. I called attention to this to my Facebook followers, and I got overwhelming support, and some informed me that this, at least to a degree, is normal and that I should focus on appreciating the good things in life.

Additionally, I had theorized that perhaps I should rule out some other things, like hypothyroidism and PMDD. They ran some tests at my psychiatrist’s office last time, and today I found out that (1) my thyroid is working fine, and (2) my cholesterol (both the good and the bad kind) is awesome. Also, I have been logging my moods for a good two months, and I have seen no cyclical patterns in relation to my period, so I can now rule out PMDD. Which is good.

At today’s appointment, I told my psychiatrist about my flat affect, and we’re lowering the dosage of my Abilify (mood stabilizer) from 5 mg to 2.5 mg. So we’ll see if we see a positive change there. But fair warning: I might become extra irritable in a few weeks, so if anyone notices that about me, please let me know.

In the meantime (and beyond), I’ve been working on simply being content. After my aforementioned Facebook post about my mental status, I saw that I’m not alone in my feelings of “blah,” but I’m hoping that the lowered dosage of my mood stabilizer will ensure that I have the right level of blah in my life. (If I see more harm than good, then we’ll go back to the 5 mg on Abilify.)

In addition to more trial and error with my meds and an adjustment in my perspective, my therapist is trying EMDR with me. That’s eye movement desensitization and reprogramming. You can google it for more information, but keep an open mind if you do because it honestly sounds like baloney when you read on the actual technique, but there’s science backing it up. We’re working to break down my hardcore negative cognitions, like, “I’m stupid,” “I’m worthless,” “I’m unworthy of love,” and things like that that are engrained inside of me. The first session of EMDR was difficult because I wanted to stay on track instead of letting my mind wander, which is counterintuitive to the process and strangely counterintuitive to my way of thinking. I have walls built up, and I’ve relatively recently learned that “crying is weak” is one of my negative cognitions (but only for myself. I encourage it in others.), which makes digging into negative memories and so forth difficult because you have to get worse before you get better.

So there’s your latest update in the inner workings of my mind.

Time Management

Another topic that people have suggested is time management. I know that before I became polyamorous, one of the things that made me think, “Oh, I could never do that,” is how on earth does anyone have time?

Magic.

And by “magic,” I mean “Google Calendar.” Or I suppose any calendar will do, but through the wonders of Google Calendar, I can share mine with my girlfriend’s while she shares hers with me, and we can see where our free time overlaps. My husband doesn’t keep up with a calendar, but he has sharing privileges to mine and to his partners’, and he keeps communication open as to what is happening when. My boyfriend doesn’t keep up with a calendar either, but he’s of the mindset of just asking him if he’s free whenever, and he tells me when he’s not. It’s worked out so far, but I need to have my life plotted out differently in order to keep up.

We also have all developed routines, which makes things easier to just remember. Sundays, for example, are when my boyfriend goes to our girlfriend’s house for game night and to stay over. Wednesdays are usually when my husband and I split the evening and go out on dates with our other partners (sometimes I use this as a social night too, so I may opt to have a beer and pleasant conversation with a friend instead), but sometimes Wednesdays don’t work for one reason or another, and we have to do Tuesdays or Thursdays (which works out because we don’t have anything set in stone for those days anyhow). Otherwise, Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays are family nights for me and my husband. Over the weekend, I try to alternate between staying overnight with my boyfriend or with my girlfriend. Sometimes it’s a Friday night, but sometimes Saturdays work better. Except on the fourth Saturday of the month, because I typically take a road trip a couple of hours out to a gathering of like-minded poly folks, and I have a date either before or after with my demi-boyfriend out that way (we don’t really have a label). But my husband and I typically only spend one night of the weekend away from each other, but it’s been the whole weekend sometimes in the past.

I work part-time and take online courses for my doctorate program, so my daytime schedule fluctuates but usually has some downtime. So I can sometimes meet up with my girlfriend for coffee dates or with my boyfriend for lunch and binge-watching video game play-throughs on YouTube before I have to head into work for some therapizin’. I try to remember to plug those things into the calendar as I schedule them, and I make sure to do the same with my work hours (which just read as “Client” when I schedule them, because HIPPA). I also plot when assignments are due and schedule time to work on them, because I have a history of over-committing to things and then later realizing that there aren’t enough hours in the day. So I try to stay on top of things because I’d much rather be sleeping than working on a paper due the next day.

It sounds like a lot. And it can be. Sometimes I look at my schedule and see that I can’t see my boyfriend or girlfriend before the weekend because the stars just aren’t in alignment. It’s not the same, but we also keep in contact periodically throughout the day through online messengers, and my boyfriend likes to call a few times a week. (That’s right. We use our phones for phones. Sometimes.)

Anyway. To review: time management is a necessary skill for polyamory. Calendars make it a lot easier, as does communication (because not everything makes it to a calendar). I don’t know how to cleanly wrap this up, so… the end.

Growing Pains

I know it’s been a while since I updated. I recognize that there’s no way that I’ve covered everything, but I’ve been at a loss as to what to talk about. Some people, however, have requested that I talk about how I adjusted to the poly lifestyle. I have touched on this, but I don’t think that I’ve focused on it as a topic in and of itself. So here we go.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I have been together for a long time. Going on 14 years in fact (nine of which we’ve been married). The first decade of our relationship, we were monogamous, although I had thoughts of polyamory (see second blog post for entirely too much detail). We kind of fell into a triad in July 2015.

(I love Eddie Izzard.)

My husband had had swinger-y thoughts in the past, while I’d had the polyamorous ones. So us haphazardly becoming a part of a triad came about when I had agreed to a foursome with a couple, lost my nerve, and half of the couple said, “How about we try a relationship?” My husband and I thought on it, but we honestly didn’t do much talking about it. I was excited over the concept because I’d been wanting to do something like this for so long, and my husband was the hesitant one, but we jumped in head-first.

And once everything began, it was surreal. I had a girlfriend. For the first time since high school. Only this one wasn’t going to break up with me for getting mad at her for lying to me about not being able to sneak away from class to see me at lunch (because she totally did it for her boyfriend the very same day, y’all—so yeah, a polyamorous relationship in high school too, but very brief, and we didn’t know the term). I was giddy about that. But I felt squeamish over my husband’s giddiness. I knew that this wasn’t “fair” because why should I be giddy but not him? I recognized this. I felt it all the same though.

I did what you’re supposed to do about it, which is acknowledge it. I talked to my partners. I told them that I was uneasy, that I knew that I “shouldn’t” be jealous and to please forgive me for that because I didn’t want to feel the things that I felt.

And they were totally understanding. They explained to me (mostly my girlfriend, but my husband had immersed himself in the literature) that it’s not that I “shouldn’t” feel jealousy. A myth about polyamory is that you’re too evolved for such a base emotion. I was pointed to a lot of resources to help myself through this.

I’ll spare you the trouble of seeking it all out. It all says that jealousy is a valid emotion and that communication is key. I wasn’t satisfied with these findings though because I was searching for some magical advice to rid myself of the jealousy. Unfortunately, no such advice exists. All I could do though is acknowledge it, communicate it, and work through it.

Which is hard.

But it gets easier, I swear. I still battle with jealousy (see, um, other blog posts where I mention this). Not sure if that’s comforting or not. On the one hand, I can see it being unhelpful for those seeking a way to remedy themselves of this inconvenient emotion. On the other hand, it can be helpful to know that you’re not alone and that nothing is wrong with you.

Like I said, I worked through it by talking to my husband and my girlfriend. And by doing so, I learned the source of my jealousy, which is what you’re supposed to do. For me, my jealousy came from (1) the fear that my husband would care more for our girlfriend than he did for me and would leave me, and (2) having thoughts of not being “enough,” because he was with someone else. It’s faulty/hypocritical logic because by that logic, he wouldn’t be “enough” for me either.

So to address the first point, because I said it first and because it’s just easier, he wasn’t going to leave me for our girlfriend. So how to handle this fear? Address it, and if it happened to be the case of him notgiving me enough attention, then he could do so. (That was rarely the case, but we handled this by having “radio silence” one night a week, when we would put away our phones for a few hours in the evening, in order to ensure that we had quality time together). And if he was giving me enough attention (which was the norm), then I could just say, “Hey, if I’m acting weird, here’s why, but I’m working through it because I know that we’re fine.”

As for that second part about not being “enough,” it’s complicated. You have to think about what polyamory is. You don’t need to put all your eggs in one basket. I have an analogy, and hopefully it comes out right. People often think of themselves as puzzle pieces in monogamy, looking for that one piece that completes them. But—-well, first of all, set aside that notion that you’re incomplete, because you’re not. You’re a whole person all on your own. But to continue with the idea of puzzle pieces: for polyamory, different people meet different needs. So imagine multiple puzzle pieces. Just don’t think of yourself as an end piece (although even with an end piece, you still connect with more than one piece to the puzzle).

Admittedly, this is a hard concept to grasp, and it took me a long while to get it.  Over time, I chilled over the idea of my husband being happy with our girlfriend and even felt compersion over the two of them going on dates (reminder: to have compersion is to feel happiness over your partner’s happiness being with another partner). But then I felt jealousy and uncertainty again when my husband began dating someone else in 2016. This story gets complicated and is honestly for another time if I am to discuss it in greater detail, but the relevant pieces are that this was another step outside of our comfort zone.

See, the thing about my husband and I being in a triad was that we were growing together in a sense. And then I began to date our girlfriend’s husband, but even so, we were still somewhat together because our polycule changed gradually, with my boyfriend-at-the-time going from metamour (partner’s partner) to partner. But when my husband got a new girlfriend, she was completely outside of our polycule, which was an altogether new experience. To add to the newness, our husband and I had begun our journey into polyamory as hierarchical, which is to say that my primary relationship was with my husband, whereas my secondary relationships were with my other partners. Everyone was on the same page about this, as my other partners were primaries to each other, and they considered their relationships to me as secondary as well.

However. With my husband’s new girlfriend-at-the-time, he came to me and said that he felt that she and I were on equal footing. Which threw me for a loop because, like I said, we were hierarchical at the time. I went back to feeling that I wasn’t “enough.” I didn’t understand how someone he had known for less than a couple of years and had dated for less than three months could be as important to him.

Which was hypocritical of me because I had started developing some hardcore feelings about my boyfriend, but I felt guilty about them and was trying to deny them to myself.

But also? I’m honestly ashamed at the phrasing I have to use to explain how I felt at the time. I don’t want to knock hierarchical polyamory as a whole, but a problem with it is that it implies that other relationships are not as important (I mean, look at what I said before). And by that logic, people are not as important. But people are people. People are not expendable. And I know at the time that I did not feel that our secondary relationships were expendable, at least not on the surface. But when push came to shove, that was what I had been feeling underneath, at least when it came to this new person. The relationships challenged my perspective and my beliefs.

Between that and some other issues that I would rather not get into because now is not the time, the relationship between my husband and his girlfriend brought forth a multitude of challenges to our dynamic. Out of all the negatives though, one positive was that I learned about egalitarian polyamory. I learned to no longer deny the feelings that I had for other partners and slowly began to shirk off the guilt of having said feelings.

It’s complicated when I try to explain our dynamic now. I see hierarchical and egalitarian as more of a spectrum than as an either/or. I don’t see my other relationships as secondary, but with my husband, he is my nesting partner (which means we live together), our finances our intermingled, and we raise two children together. So sometimes, these things have to come first. Arguably however, that’s not hierarchical polyamory because that’s not me choosing my husband as a primary but my family as a whole. Could be a case of potato/poh-tah-to.

So to review: at the beginning of polyamory, I was riddled with jealousy. Now? It’s a passing emotion that I acknowledge. For the most part, I recognize it for what it is and don’t bother telling my partners unless I think that it may seriously be bogging me down. Even so, it’s more to explain why I might be “off” because I get the attention that I need from my partners, so I recognize that what needs to happen is a change in perspective. Or a distraction. So I have been focusing on my hobbies, like writing, making music (I’ve been goofing with some apps lately), reading (I have two books I’m reading concurrently), walking, and eventually running (is the plan at least). We began our dynamic as hierarchical and are now more egalitarian. People are people and are not disposable. It’s kind of common sense, but feeling threatened can challenge what you think you believe.

To review even further: change is scary. But we can learn to confront our fears. I’m thankful that I did because while the first couple of years of polyamory were an emotional rollercoaster for me (mostly the second year honestly), this last year has been amazing, and I wouldn’t have any of it if I had cut and run.

Introductions to Polyamory, Part IV: Story #8

I am still accepting people’s stories as to how they were introduced to polyamory, so if you would like to share, feel free to reach out to me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com!

Story #8:

I don't think I ever bought the idea of monogamy except for a short period of time in my early twenties where I had a very short-lived marriage.  It didn't dissolve because of some pining for others or the like.  It was just genuinely a bad fit and thankfully ended without a tremendous amount of drama and no property or children to split up.  Growing up I felt that the idea of soulmates was terribly silly, and that since over half of the people got divorced obviously something was screwy with the typical monogamous system.

I was first introduced to the idea of multiple committed relationships when first getting into the BDSM scene in my mid 20s.  I dabbled in the swinging scene during my married years, and though it was fun it seemed less about emotional connections and was more about fun extracurricular activities.  After diving head first into the local BDSM scene, I learned that there were people who developed a large variety of relationship types, some with and some without emotional entanglement.  From daddy doms with their baby girls, to play partners, tops and bottoms, and everything in-between I was flooded with ideas of the various flavor combinations of relationships.  Some of these relationship models blended together with what I now know to be labeled "poly".  Just as there are many different frameworks in the BDSM menagerie of relationship types, the same is with the poly community.  It was an eye-opening experience.

After years of dabbling with play partners, rope bunnies, and pain sluts in various "extracurricular activities", I found myself having simultaneous romantic relationships as some of these relationships began to have a stronger emotional connection.  It was a new and interesting adventure and just felt so right.  The idea of having different people fulfill different niches of your needs is old hat in the kink community, so taking it a step further into the romantic side of things seemed so natural.  

Over the past decade and a half of ethical non-monogamy, the biggest challenges I feel include open and honest communication, calendaring (resource management including scheduling time for oneself), and figuring out exactly what you want out of your relationships (and communicating that to your partners and your metas).  As people grow and change it is a constant balancing act between wants and needs and what you are willing to offer up of yourself.  I feel in the past I have not been as open and communicative even with myself regarding the boundaries I need put in place to have healthy relationships.  I would often sacrifice things I needed (time, money, emotional capital) with an expectation I was meeting a need of a partner or jumping to conclusions about needs without even asking if these actions were wanted.  Documenting one's boundaries and communicating them to all of your partners and sticking to them when they are tested is crucial to stay honest with your partners and to hold yourself accountable.  A declaration of definitions is also something I feel that is vital.  As one goes from kink to swingers to poly to whatever, the same words may have subtle nuances where everyone involved in the conversation may feel they know what everyone is talking about but the truth may not be so simple.

Poly life has gifted me with a treasure trove of experiences and has tested me with a myriad of challenges and emotional landmines.  It is a path I continue to navigate with varying degrees of success as I continue to grow, to change, to learn, and to work on being a better partner and a better person.

Addendum to last post

So my two partners who left town are now back in town. And not that I truly doubted them or anything, but it was comforting to know that they thought of me while they were gone, and they brought me back some nifty things! My girlfriend brought back a coffee mug, a journal, and a postcard that has a story to go along with it. My boyfriend brought me Harry Potter coins and some seashells that reminded him of me in a silly but cute way.

No actual bloggy things to say. I just wanted to update y’all. It gives me warm fuzzies to know that I’m loved. And whenever I’m in a bad place mentally, I can look at any of these things as some sort of way of anchoring me back to reality.

Missing Partners & The Happy Singlehood

So it’s been a while since I posted because I honestly haven’t been sure of what to write. I feel like I’ve covered a lot, although it’d be naive of me to think that I’ve tackled all topics. I got another submission regarding introductions to polyamory, but I’ll hold off on that a bit (on a related note: remember that you can email me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com if you have any stories you'd like to share!). Since I can’t think of any words of wisdom to dispense, I’ll just tell y’all a bit about what’s been going on in life lately. Especially since I had, at some point, envisioned that this would at least sometimes be a normal person’s blog, where I talk about my life. So.

My girlfriend and my boyfriend independently made plans that involved them, well, not being here. At the same time. My boyfriend has spent most of the last couple of weeks with his parents, and my girlfriend is off to Europe as part of a school thingamadoo. I’m happy for both of them for getting time to do their own things, but I’ve been missing them a lot.

A thing to know about me is that I used to be, and in some ways still am, a needy person. I remember in high school, dating my on-again/off-again boyfriend well into college, and no amount of time with him was enough. He would literally have to pry me off of him when we would give good-bye hugs, especially when I was in high school—less so in college, but I was still like that to some degree in college. I feel like I can somewhat blame that on us having a long-distance relationship (which folks in the poly lifestyle shorten to “LDR,” as we’ve learned) for years when he was in the Army, and I’d see him for a couple of days a year. But I’m still embarrassed by how I used to act because I recall saying to people when he was gone that it was like I was missing a limb. And when he broke up with me just before coming home on terminal leave, I vowed to not be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be the person sitting around by the phone waiting for a phone call that may or may not come. I didn’t want to pine. I didn’t want to shape my life around another person’s existence, all the while not focusing on my own.

I want to clarify that my on/off boyfriend did not expect this of me. It was something that I expected of myself. It was something that I had, for whatever reason, assumed was how the Perfect Girlfriend was supposed to be. I can blame romantic comedies, but I made my own choices. And after seeing the life I had imagined for myself crumble because of someone else choosing to no longer be a part of it, I told myself that I had to focus on finding what makes me happy, independent of someone else.

Which isn’t to say that I couldn’t be happy with another person. Just that I didn’t want to be dependent upon that person in the process. My therapist at the time called it The Happy Singlehood. I’m not sure if she coined this phrase or read it somewhere, but it’s a notion I’ve followed for the past 14 years.

But I still find myself with bouts of “neediness.” I recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable and expected to miss a partner when they’re away, or when they’re otherwise not available. But for me, it’s not a stretch for me to go from an acceptable level of missing a partner to feeling as though I need that person around. I don’t like that feeling. I’m not proud of that feeling. I’m downright ashamed of that feeling honestly. It’s a thing that I have to work through, and I recognize that, both in feeling that intensely and in accepting that that’s a thing that I do sometimes.

So what do I do? Well, what I’ve been doing is reaching out to them and trying not to expect immediate responses. Because people have lives. And people who go on trips are especially busy. I let them know what I’ve been up to. Which means that I need to have things to do other than reach out to them. Which is all well and good because I also have a life that is independent of existing with my partners. This neediness goes along with my feelings of jealousy, in that the feelings are similar, and I handle them by having a little chat with my cognitive side:

Image credit to Science Daily

Inner Me: "I need this person around."
Brain: "This person can’t be around right now."
Inner Me: "I know. But—"
Brain: "Are you feeling neglected?"
Inner Me: "No."
Brain: "Then you need a distraction. Find a thing to do. Read a book or something."
Inner Me: "Good call. You're so smart."
Brain: "I know. You know you just complimented yourself, right?"
Inner Me: "Shh."

So I do things. Like yesterday: I met up with a friend and helped her pack up some things as she moves from a house to an apartment. I ran with her as part of our preparation for a four-miler in July. I completed initial discussion responses for an online class. I cooked a tasty lunch for myself. Today? I got my steps in by walking laps inside my house while I caught up with a good friend who calls me most mornings. I got to talk to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit while she was in between tours in London. I did some paperwork for my job. I completed my discussion replies to fellow classmates’ initial discussion responses. And my ex / one of my closest friends convinced me that it’s time for another blog, so I’ve spent about 45 minutes working on this. Even though I didn’t think I had anything to write about.

Anyway. I’m not sure how to wrap this up. But I’ll try. I think that being poly is good for me because—despite what folks on the outside may believe—you’re gonna spend some time alone. So you need to be comfortable with yourself to do that. And even after 14 years of effort, I am still a work in progress, but that’s okay because so is everyone else.

Introductions to Polyamory, Part III: Story #7

I’m giving this story its own post because it’s an in-depth tale, and I think that it can be relatable for a lot of people, speaking to one’s biggest fears in marriage, how to face them, and how to overcome them and grow from them.

Story #7
Apparently my husband had been interested in polyamory for several years but had not had the courage to start a conversation with me about it. Almost a year ago, he met someone playing Words with Friends. Yes, Words with Friends. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but they began chatting and really hit it off. By this fall, he was really beginning to have feelings for her, but he was torn up with guilt for lying to me. He had met her once (she lives 14 hours away) and wanted to continue a relationship with her. At the same time, he didn’t want to end his marriage with me. 

Finally, I began to see that there was something wrong. My husband was a wreck but still didn’t want to come clean and tell the truth. Finally, I pried it out of him that he was in love with someone else. It was a kick in the gut for me. I was so angry that I packed my bags and left immediately. I didn’t even get the full story from him. I had to leave.

I took a week to work through things in my head. I stayed with my brother for a while and then took some time to myself . . . I talked to my husband briefly a couple of times during the week. It was the week of Thanksgiving. Things were really emotional. I knew that I still loved him and that he still loved me. I also knew that he was in love with another woman. I didn’t want to throw away 20+ years of a relationship with him, but I also didn’t want to give an ultimatum to him that he needed to leave her. I wouldn’t feel right moving forward with my marriage under those conditions. I felt that it could cause too much resentment and unhappiness in our future.

I talked to a friend about the concept of polyamory. I did research. I made notes. I agonized as to whether polyamory would be right for me. I returned to my husband after a week and proposed that we try polyamory and continue to work on our marriage. The one condition was absolute honesty from that moment forward.

During that talk, I found that the woman my husband was seeing was also married. She has a husband and three children, and she and her husband had been practicing polyamory for only about nine months. So, we began this journey. My husband and I set up OKCupid accounts together. We talked about dating other people, and he began his first overnight with my meta for the beginning of January. 

I went on a few dates. Met one guy that was super sweet, but not poly, and therefore “wasn’t going to fall in love” with me. My husband mentioned that he and my meta had talked about putting me in touch with her husband. They thought that we would have a lot in common and could perhaps keep each other company during the upcoming overnight (weekend) trip that she and my husband were planning. I thought it sounded a bit weird and declined, but after a few days, I received an OKCupid message from my meta’s husband. I checked out his profile and was interested, so I responded.

Fast-forward four months, and I am now in love with my meta’s husband. I still haven’t met my meta, but I am open to it (just waiting for everyone else to get there). Oh, and I mentioned that our partners live 14 hours away? Not for long. Their house is currently on the market, and they plan to move [to a nearby city] ASAP.

I have to admit that in the beginning of this poly journey, I thought that I had made a mistake. I was wrong. My husband and I are in a much better place than we have been in years. We communicate much more openly and honestly than ever before. AND, I now have someone in my life that I truly love and adore! Now I cannot imagine my life without him too. Sometimes this all seems surreal, especially since it has all unfolded so fast over the past 5-6 months. Mainly, it feels as if I am a part of this amazing fairy tale that I don’t want to end.

“I appreciate you telling your story!” I tell her. “How would you define polyamory in your own words?”

For me, it’s about living with an open heart and an open mind. It is having the freedom to follow your true feelings and explore deeper relationships with others, and also learn a lot about yourself in the process.

End of Part III.

Introductions to Polyamory, Part II

I had enough stories that I decided to make this into a series. I don’t really have a poignant introduction to these. So here are some more origin stories as to how some folks got into polyamory.

Edit: I don’t know what is going on with the formatting of this post, but I’m going to figure it out!

Story #4

With [current spouse] and I, it was always on the table. "If you gotta put your dick in someone, just be honest with me. I'd rather you just be honest with me." Because if a dude's gonna dick someone, they're gonna dick someone, whether I ask them to or not. He never expressed interest until after he started testosterone, and our sex life improved. I, on the other hand, while he was not interested in sex with me at all, started expressing the whole, I got needs and you have no interest in scratching the itch, sooo.... Ya know…

“What are your views on polyamory now?” I ask. 

As for how I view it, it's been helpful for me to meet other people, and I didn't realize that I was considered desirable, because when I was mono with [current spouse], no one expressed interest, ever, and he wasn't interested in more than a friend-partner, (I think I just discovered the perfect term for what he and I have had), so it was an incredible boost to my self esteem, for one. To have different aspects of what I want/need taken care of, by another man, when [current spouse] couldn't do it, was near therapeutic in a way. 

Story #5

I used to joke with [mutual college friend] that I'd have to have at least two partners for sexual satisfaction, emotional support, and full companionship because no one person would be likely to provide all three.  Before [former spouse] and I got engaged, I asked her about being open and her reply was a firm "Oh, hell no" so I think polyamory was always something to which I was inclined or suited. A couple months before we split, she suggested an open relationship, but I don't think that should count because it was really just her excuse to terminate the relationship and she wasn't ethical about it.

A couple months before [current spouse] and I got married, she suggested an open relationship because of jealousy issues she was experiencing at the time. We talked it out and realized the relationship styles we wanted for ourselves and each other meshed nicely.

Views on polyamory: Polyamory is the recognition that having concurrent romantic or sexual feelings for more than one person is acceptable and potentially healthier than striving to have those feelings for only one person and experiencing the guilt or conflict which goes along with such an effort.

Story #6

We'd been dating not yet two years when my boyfriend mentioned open relationships. We didn't even know the word polyamory yet, but it was definitely what we were discussing. For a long time, people assumed that I was the one that initiated it, but actually my initial reaction was fear of unworthiness accompanied by lots of dramatic tears. We kept talking about it though, slowly but surely.

More than a year later, we got a house with our best friends as roommates. Ironically, it made it so the idea of dating was pretty impossible, but how I felt having them live with us I think went a long way towards making the bigger ideas of poly click. A year later, they got their own place and moved out, and we decided it was the perfect time to move from talking to dating.

We hadn't had any sort of open aspect to our relationship before that point. I had a relationship almost immediately, about as soon as I updated my dating profile I matched with a friend of ours who had been previously poly. It was an educational relationship, even if it ultimately didn't last. 3ish years of talking can only prepare you for so much. We've been actively poly for a little over 3 years, and I only recently feel like we've quit hitting new speed bumps.

“Can you give a couple of examples of some of the speed bumps?”

The speed at which we were comfortable being intimate with new people was very different, especially at first, and it took some hurt feelings and negotiation before we began to trust each other’s’ judgement easier. Also, we had issues with having expectations regarding relationships with metas. I was especially terrible at losing track of time on dates and not checking in for a while. I'm sure there are a bunch of others but those are ones that come to mind.

“How would you define polyamory?” I asked. “What does it mean to you?”

Polyamory is not putting arbitrary limits on a relationship. It means that I can love multiple people, share my life with multiple people. Those relationships may or may not resemble each other at all. It means that my relationships can change and evolve over time without becoming less. It means that my affection is not confined by labels.

In collecting more information, I find that my last hypothesis was off. Not everyone who began polyamory had skewed views of sexual activity versus emotionality. However, the theme of viewpoints of polyamory once being actively polyamorous for a time are similar. Some relationships have been strengthened while polyamory has shed light on issues that were already present in others. Which, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing and can actually be a good thing.

End of Part II.

Guest Post by Dorothy: Expectation vs. Reality

As I mentioned the other day, I have a guest blogger for this post. Dorothy is vocal about being polyamorous, and I asked if she could share her perspective.

For those new to the topic, here are some vocabulary lessons first:

• “Nesting partner” or “NP” is the partner you live with. 
• “Metamour” or “meta” is your partner’s partner.
• “Compersion” is being happy over your partner being happy with another partner. It is said to be the antonym of “jealousy.”

So you could have compersion over hearing your nesting partner gush about a date with your meta.

There will be other potentially new terms, but Dorothy explains them as she makes note of them.

And here we go:

My polyamorous relationships have pretty much turned out exactly the way I expected and intended. I am full of love, and my love for one person does not take away from my love for anyone else. I've been able to develop both of my existing relationships, while keeping myself open to the possibility of developing another (though I'm not actively looking). I've also been able to indulge my desire for flirty, slutty adventures. Not every polyamorous person also has an "open" relationship style, but I do. I don't seek out hook-ups or new partners, but I like knowing that I am not limited if I come across someone I'd like to do sex with and/or date. I would love to have a femme partner in addition to my two male partners, but I think I'd max out at three. While my love is infinite, my emotional energy is not. I don't think I could have more than three partners and still meet everyone's emotional needs or desire for attention. I wouldn't want to spread myself too thin, so to speak, or for them to feel that they aren't important enough to spend time with.

I have a primary, who is my nesting partner and soulmate (herein referred to as NP). He was not familiar with polyamory before being with me, and the idea certainly threw him for a loop. He adjusted by doing a lot of research - probably more research than I did. I didn't know of the term "compersion," one of my favorite words now, until he discovered it. He is mono with me by choice. He isn't interested in other people, but if that ever changes, he knows he would have my full support in pursuing his feelings. It's been a learning curve for both of us, but I think it's working. We have nested happily in a beautiful house together. We love and support one another in all areas of life, and the fact that I have/could have other partner(s) does not interfere with our ability to build a life together. On the day-to-day, we are just like any other couple: spending time together, living together, taking care of the house, being there for each other emotionally, sex, dates, dinners, spending with each other's families.

I have a long distance partner was well (herein referred to as LDR), who is also polyamorous. He and I had been friends for years before discovering our feelings for each other, and our mutual desire to never be monogamous again. Even as friends, we often discussed feeling "other" for wanting "everything." We had the chance to date as primaries and chose not to, and then I moved away. I think this long distance, not exclusive relationship is best for us. We get to love and support each other without trying to force ourselves to love ONLY each other. We aren't as involved in one another's family life, but I think that has more to do with physical distance than anything else. We may be far away, but we talk at least a little every day. Besides wishing we could visit more (which would be easier if it weren't quite so far), I wouldn't change a thing. He has a girlfriend who is new to polyamory, and had a lot of misconceptions about what polyamory is actually like.

When LDR first asked his now girlfriend to be his primary she said no, and said some things that offended me and hurt my feelings, including assuming that someone mono in a polyam relationship has "serious self-esteem issues." I can't think of anything further from the truth. I think it takes a very confident and self-assured person to understand that their partner may want to pursue other relationships, and that those relationships won't diminish their partner's feelings for them. She also said that she didn't "want to see it," which I took to mean that she would never want to get to know me. That made me especially sad, because I would love to have a Meta that I can be friends with. It's also saddening because I support LDR and his relationship with her, and as long as they are together, I consider her needs and happiness to be just as important as either of my partners', or my own. She has since read up on polyamory, discussed things with him, and agreed to give it a go.

One thing I've noticed is that most discussions about polyamory are centered around the closed (usually FMF) triad style of relationship, or quads (often consisting of two existing couples). I was surprised to learn that most people assume that's the only form of polyamory. My partners and I all have no desire to date other couples or form a triad/quad (although if it came about naturally through friendship first, I'm sure we'd be open to the idea). Despite the fact that I do exist in a hierarchical relationship style, with a primary and a secondary (I don't like that term, because it implies that relationship is somehow lesser, and it's not. It's just different, and our lives aren't as enmeshed time-wise or financially), I date completely separately from both of my partners, and my also polyamorous LDR relationship dates completely separately from me and his girlfriend, thus being "solo-polyamorous." (There are a lot of terms that are new to all of us!) I wish that people viewing polyamory from the outside (and many people inside the community, for that matter) would realize that there really is "no ONE way to love," and that solo-polyam people can exist within hierarchical relationship styles. I'm real! I'm right here.

Some people assume solo-polyam people are just greedy sluts that want an excuse to cheat on their partners. I might be slutty, and I might be greedy, but I am NOT dishonest. I cheated on people when I was younger, and didn't know that monogamy wasn't the only way. I thought there was something wrong with me for being able to love more than one person at a time. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being particularly upset when partners cheated on me. I used to have a rule for me being cheated on. You'd be forgiven as long as it was with "no one I love, and no one I hate," the only scenarios that had ever made me feel truly betrayed. I tried to force myself into the box that society built for me, and ended up hurting my partners and myself. I never want anyone involved with me to go through that again. My personal mantra is "Be Direct, Be Open, Be Honest," not just in polyamory, but in all aspects of life. Say what you mean, tell people how you feel, but also be open, meaning listen to others and respect their feelings as much as your own.

I think that a lot of people assume pansexual and bisexual polyamorous people just want to be able to date one person of each gender. There are so many problems with this assumption, the first being that there are way more than two genders, and I would be way way over poly-saturated if I tried to find a partner that identifies with every spot on the spectrum! I am pansexual, and while I'd love to have a partner that isn't a man, so far I've ended up with not one, but TWO men that I love and am happy to be with. In my opinion, open relationships that implement the "one penis" or "one vagina" rule are not really polyamorous. They are problematic in that they imply gender = genitalia, which is transphobic and untrue. They almost always cross over into Unicorn Hunter territory. When my ex-husband tried to implement the "one-penis" rule upon me when I asked for an open marriage (and then had us make a horrible Unicorn Hunting OKCupid profile that I really hope isn't up anymore), it eventually came out that he didn't think bisexuality was real (I identified as bi at the time), and thus his maleness and our relationship would not be "threatened" by me being with another woman. There is a lot of toxic cis/male/monogamy/bi-erasure culture to unpack there. I hope he's out there working on that, while I build my beautiful polyamorous family.

As for Metas, I know that a lot of people cannot fathom not feeling jealousy over your partner being with someone else. My friend asked me the other day, the most common question, "Don't you get jealous?" I replied that yes, I do get jealous, but more often I feel compersion, basically the opposite of jealousy. She said, "Why do I not believe you?" So I explained. Usually when I am jealous, it's over time and attention, not sex, love, and affection. Compersion comes easily to me, maybe because I am so full of myself! I know I'm awesome, and if my partner has feelings for someone else, they are probably awesome, too! The idea of LDR spending time with his girlfriend, making dinner together, being intimate and sleeping next to each other makes me happy, because they are happy and they deserve to have special time together. Although I will admit jealousy over the food they make... Every time he tells me what they cooked, I get hungry for that thing and wish I got to eat some! This is the only part that makes me sad: that she and I aren't friends, and she may never be open to being friends. So even if we didn't live so far apart, I am missing out on a potential friendship with someone I'd probably get along with really well. He has a type, haha, and I've always gotten along with his ex-girlfriends (except one) and with the one other person he was on-again-off-again with overlapping with me (I've always thought of her as my meta even though they weren't "official" last time they got involved). I hope that she will change her mind and be ok with interacting with me.

As for my partners, I also wish they'd interact a little and be friendly, if only so that they can say hello when we're in the same space and maybe one day they'll need to plan something special for me together, and it won't be awkward. This might be the only part of polyamory that didn't turn out quite the way that I expected. I wasn't assuming they'd become best friends or anything, and I know they support each other's happiness in theory, but they have only met once. I know LDR would be totally fine with being around NP, but NP is still new to everything and seems less comfortable with the idea of interacting with LDR. I won't push it, because we are comfortable now and we live so far away that it hardly comes up. But I do hope that ALL the Metas (and any future metas) can be friendly. We are all on the same team!


Do you have a story like this one? Maybe you have a different take on polyamory? Email me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com.

Perceptions of Polyamory

Taking a break from the introductory stories into polyamory to space those out a little bit (and to allow folks more time to get back to me, because I’m working on other people’s schedules, because they apparently have lives that don’t revolve around mine. Go fig.). But I noticed (and am unsurprised) that most people wish to have their stories anonymous, and they have stressed this point to the nth degree.

Which brings me to today’s post. There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory in mainstream society. I figure that this is a relevant topic of interest because:

1. As I learned from asking people in the lifestyle how they began their polyamorous relationships, I found that some had discrepancies between what they believed initially and what they believe now about polyamory.
2. Most individuals who submitted their stories wished to be anonymous.
3. Which is relatable because I maintain an anonymous blog.
4. When I asked around about topic ideas due to having a bout of writer’s block, a friend told me this was a good idea.

Why do we feel the need to be anonymous? Because many people find polyamory to be immoral. They find it damaging to families and to relationships. My mother, although she is supportive of me and my choices, is often concerned over how her grandchildren will turn out as a result. My in-laws have accused us of being selfish and of “pawning off” our children onto them some weekends, when in actuality, we have been sending the children off for weekends with their grandparents as often as we always have—both before they knew we were polyamorous and before we actually were (except that it was just one grandchild in the Before Times, but that’s just me being pedantic by saying that I guess. Unless I’m misusing the word “pedantic.” That’s ironic, right?).

But perception is reality. Because the knowledge is now out there that my husband and I are polyamorous, the view of who we are as people has changed. Which is why I have yet to tell my father, my brothers, or any other member of my family. But we’re the same people. If it weren’t for me telling someone, they would never know. In fact, at my last job, a fellow coworker joked about how boring I was, having no idea that my plans after work consisted of driving two hours to see my two boyfriends at the time for the entire weekend (much of the time, bringing along my kids to play with their children).

I wanted to ask others their reasons for not being open about being polyamorous. But then I realized that it would be redundant, as the reasons tend to be pretty much why I don’t tell most of my family, friends, or cohorts at work. Ostracization is a big deal to many, and sometimes it leads to things like unemployment. But here’s one other person’s perspective:

“I'm out-ish. I don't tell people super-casually, most of my actual friends know, and one co-worker knows. I used pictures with my face on dating sites where I disclosed my non-monogamy. There's a stigma, and that stigma will only fade by the exposure of polyamorists, but in the meantime we still have to deal with that stigma in day-to-day life.” ~ Alex (He gave the OK to use his first name, y’all.)

Ironically, by hiding this aspect of ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the misconceptions in society regarding polyamory. How are we going to combat this if we stay silent?

Said the chick with the anonymous blog.

Well, I do me. This is how I fix things. Others are out there being, well, out there.

“I'm fairly out because I don’t like having to hide parts of myself from people I'm otherwise close to . . . I don’t like having to remember who’s in the know and who isn’t, and I really hate having to pretend that I don't have feelings for someone that I'm in love with just because we're not in front of the ‘right’ people. Also, I do feel that if there aren't more public examples of healthy poly, then it will never be really accepted as a relationship choice.” ~ Nina

And this leads into my next blog post, which will be a guest post written by Dorothy (who has explicitly stated that she is open and that she does not mind her name being mentioned).