I’m giving this story its own post because it’s an in-depth tale, and I think that it can be relatable for a lot of people, speaking to one’s biggest fears in marriage, how to face them, and how to overcome them and grow from them.
Story #7
Apparently my husband had been interested in polyamory for several years but had not had the courage to start a conversation with me about it. Almost a year ago, he met someone playing Words with Friends. Yes, Words with Friends. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but they began chatting and really hit it off. By this fall, he was really beginning to have feelings for her, but he was torn up with guilt for lying to me. He had met her once (she lives 14 hours away) and wanted to continue a relationship with her. At the same time, he didn’t want to end his marriage with me.
Finally, I began to see that there was something wrong. My husband was a wreck but still didn’t want to come clean and tell the truth. Finally, I pried it out of him that he was in love with someone else. It was a kick in the gut for me. I was so angry that I packed my bags and left immediately. I didn’t even get the full story from him. I had to leave.
I took a week to work through things in my head. I stayed with my brother for a while and then took some time to myself . . . I talked to my husband briefly a couple of times during the week. It was the week of Thanksgiving. Things were really emotional. I knew that I still loved him and that he still loved me. I also knew that he was in love with another woman. I didn’t want to throw away 20+ years of a relationship with him, but I also didn’t want to give an ultimatum to him that he needed to leave her. I wouldn’t feel right moving forward with my marriage under those conditions. I felt that it could cause too much resentment and unhappiness in our future.
I talked to a friend about the concept of polyamory. I did research. I made notes. I agonized as to whether polyamory would be right for me. I returned to my husband after a week and proposed that we try polyamory and continue to work on our marriage. The one condition was absolute honesty from that moment forward.
During that talk, I found that the woman my husband was seeing was also married. She has a husband and three children, and she and her husband had been practicing polyamory for only about nine months. So, we began this journey. My husband and I set up OKCupid accounts together. We talked about dating other people, and he began his first overnight with my meta for the beginning of January.
I went on a few dates. Met one guy that was super sweet, but not poly, and therefore “wasn’t going to fall in love” with me. My husband mentioned that he and my meta had talked about putting me in touch with her husband. They thought that we would have a lot in common and could perhaps keep each other company during the upcoming overnight (weekend) trip that she and my husband were planning. I thought it sounded a bit weird and declined, but after a few days, I received an OKCupid message from my meta’s husband. I checked out his profile and was interested, so I responded.
Fast-forward four months, and I am now in love with my meta’s husband. I still haven’t met my meta, but I am open to it (just waiting for everyone else to get there). Oh, and I mentioned that our partners live 14 hours away? Not for long. Their house is currently on the market, and they plan to move [to a nearby city] ASAP.
I have to admit that in the beginning of this poly journey, I thought that I had made a mistake. I was wrong. My husband and I are in a much better place than we have been in years. We communicate much more openly and honestly than ever before. AND, I now have someone in my life that I truly love and adore! Now I cannot imagine my life without him too. Sometimes this all seems surreal, especially since it has all unfolded so fast over the past 5-6 months. Mainly, it feels as if I am a part of this amazing fairy tale that I don’t want to end.
“I appreciate you telling your story!” I tell her. “How would you define polyamory in your own words?”
For me, it’s about living with an open heart and an open mind. It is having the freedom to follow your true feelings and explore deeper relationships with others, and also learn a lot about yourself in the process.
End of Part III.
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