No actual bloggy things to say. I just wanted to update y’all. It gives me warm fuzzies to know that I’m loved. And whenever I’m in a bad place mentally, I can look at any of these things as some sort of way of anchoring me back to reality.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Addendum to last post
So my two partners who left town are now back in town. And not that I truly doubted them or anything, but it was comforting to know that they thought of me while they were gone, and they brought me back some nifty things! My girlfriend brought back a coffee mug, a journal, and a postcard that has a story to go along with it. My boyfriend brought me Harry Potter coins and some seashells that reminded him of me in a silly but cute way.
No actual bloggy things to say. I just wanted to update y’all. It gives me warm fuzzies to know that I’m loved. And whenever I’m in a bad place mentally, I can look at any of these things as some sort of way of anchoring me back to reality.
No actual bloggy things to say. I just wanted to update y’all. It gives me warm fuzzies to know that I’m loved. And whenever I’m in a bad place mentally, I can look at any of these things as some sort of way of anchoring me back to reality.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Missing Partners & The Happy Singlehood
So it’s been a while since I posted because I honestly haven’t been sure of what to write. I feel like I’ve covered a lot, although it’d be naive of me to think that I’ve tackled all topics. I got another submission regarding introductions to polyamory, but I’ll hold off on that a bit (on a related note: remember that you can email me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com if you have any stories you'd like to share!). Since I can’t think of any words of wisdom to dispense, I’ll just tell y’all a bit about what’s been going on in life lately. Especially since I had, at some point, envisioned that this would at least sometimes be a normal person’s blog, where I talk about my life. So.
My girlfriend and my boyfriend independently made plans that involved them, well, not being here. At the same time. My boyfriend has spent most of the last couple of weeks with his parents, and my girlfriend is off to Europe as part of a school thingamadoo. I’m happy for both of them for getting time to do their own things, but I’ve been missing them a lot.
A thing to know about me is that I used to be, and in some ways still am, a needy person. I remember in high school, dating my on-again/off-again boyfriend well into college, and no amount of time with him was enough. He would literally have to pry me off of him when we would give good-bye hugs, especially when I was in high school—less so in college, but I was still like that to some degree in college. I feel like I can somewhat blame that on us having a long-distance relationship (which folks in the poly lifestyle shorten to “LDR,” as we’ve learned) for years when he was in the Army, and I’d see him for a couple of days a year. But I’m still embarrassed by how I used to act because I recall saying to people when he was gone that it was like I was missing a limb. And when he broke up with me just before coming home on terminal leave, I vowed to not be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be the person sitting around by the phone waiting for a phone call that may or may not come. I didn’t want to pine. I didn’t want to shape my life around another person’s existence, all the while not focusing on my own.
I want to clarify that my on/off boyfriend did not expect this of me. It was something that I expected of myself. It was something that I had, for whatever reason, assumed was how the Perfect Girlfriend was supposed to be. I can blame romantic comedies, but I made my own choices. And after seeing the life I had imagined for myself crumble because of someone else choosing to no longer be a part of it, I told myself that I had to focus on finding what makes me happy, independent of someone else.
Which isn’t to say that I couldn’t be happy with another person. Just that I didn’t want to be dependent upon that person in the process. My therapist at the time called it The Happy Singlehood. I’m not sure if she coined this phrase or read it somewhere, but it’s a notion I’ve followed for the past 14 years.
But I still find myself with bouts of “neediness.” I recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable and expected to miss a partner when they’re away, or when they’re otherwise not available. But for me, it’s not a stretch for me to go from an acceptable level of missing a partner to feeling as though I need that person around. I don’t like that feeling. I’m not proud of that feeling. I’m downright ashamed of that feeling honestly. It’s a thing that I have to work through, and I recognize that, both in feeling that intensely and in accepting that that’s a thing that I do sometimes.
So what do I do? Well, what I’ve been doing is reaching out to them and trying not to expect immediate responses. Because people have lives. And people who go on trips are especially busy. I let them know what I’ve been up to. Which means that I need to have things to do other than reach out to them. Which is all well and good because I also have a life that is independent of existing with my partners. This neediness goes along with my feelings of jealousy, in that the feelings are similar, and I handle them by having a little chat with my cognitive side:
Inner Me: "I need this person around."
Brain: "This person can’t be around right now."
Inner Me: "I know. But—"
Brain: "Are you feeling neglected?"
Inner Me: "No."
Brain: "Then you need a distraction. Find a thing to do. Read a book or something."
Inner Me: "Good call. You're so smart."
Brain: "I know. You know you just complimented yourself, right?"
Inner Me: "Shh."
So I do things. Like yesterday: I met up with a friend and helped her pack up some things as she moves from a house to an apartment. I ran with her as part of our preparation for a four-miler in July. I completed initial discussion responses for an online class. I cooked a tasty lunch for myself. Today? I got my steps in by walking laps inside my house while I caught up with a good friend who calls me most mornings. I got to talk to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit while she was in between tours in London. I did some paperwork for my job. I completed my discussion replies to fellow classmates’ initial discussion responses. And my ex / one of my closest friends convinced me that it’s time for another blog, so I’ve spent about 45 minutes working on this. Even though I didn’t think I had anything to write about.
Anyway. I’m not sure how to wrap this up. But I’ll try. I think that being poly is good for me because—despite what folks on the outside may believe—you’re gonna spend some time alone. So you need to be comfortable with yourself to do that. And even after 14 years of effort, I am still a work in progress, but that’s okay because so is everyone else.
My girlfriend and my boyfriend independently made plans that involved them, well, not being here. At the same time. My boyfriend has spent most of the last couple of weeks with his parents, and my girlfriend is off to Europe as part of a school thingamadoo. I’m happy for both of them for getting time to do their own things, but I’ve been missing them a lot.
A thing to know about me is that I used to be, and in some ways still am, a needy person. I remember in high school, dating my on-again/off-again boyfriend well into college, and no amount of time with him was enough. He would literally have to pry me off of him when we would give good-bye hugs, especially when I was in high school—less so in college, but I was still like that to some degree in college. I feel like I can somewhat blame that on us having a long-distance relationship (which folks in the poly lifestyle shorten to “LDR,” as we’ve learned) for years when he was in the Army, and I’d see him for a couple of days a year. But I’m still embarrassed by how I used to act because I recall saying to people when he was gone that it was like I was missing a limb. And when he broke up with me just before coming home on terminal leave, I vowed to not be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be the person sitting around by the phone waiting for a phone call that may or may not come. I didn’t want to pine. I didn’t want to shape my life around another person’s existence, all the while not focusing on my own.
I want to clarify that my on/off boyfriend did not expect this of me. It was something that I expected of myself. It was something that I had, for whatever reason, assumed was how the Perfect Girlfriend was supposed to be. I can blame romantic comedies, but I made my own choices. And after seeing the life I had imagined for myself crumble because of someone else choosing to no longer be a part of it, I told myself that I had to focus on finding what makes me happy, independent of someone else.
Which isn’t to say that I couldn’t be happy with another person. Just that I didn’t want to be dependent upon that person in the process. My therapist at the time called it The Happy Singlehood. I’m not sure if she coined this phrase or read it somewhere, but it’s a notion I’ve followed for the past 14 years.
But I still find myself with bouts of “neediness.” I recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable and expected to miss a partner when they’re away, or when they’re otherwise not available. But for me, it’s not a stretch for me to go from an acceptable level of missing a partner to feeling as though I need that person around. I don’t like that feeling. I’m not proud of that feeling. I’m downright ashamed of that feeling honestly. It’s a thing that I have to work through, and I recognize that, both in feeling that intensely and in accepting that that’s a thing that I do sometimes.
So what do I do? Well, what I’ve been doing is reaching out to them and trying not to expect immediate responses. Because people have lives. And people who go on trips are especially busy. I let them know what I’ve been up to. Which means that I need to have things to do other than reach out to them. Which is all well and good because I also have a life that is independent of existing with my partners. This neediness goes along with my feelings of jealousy, in that the feelings are similar, and I handle them by having a little chat with my cognitive side:
 |
| Image credit to Science Daily |
Inner Me: "I need this person around."
Brain: "This person can’t be around right now."
Inner Me: "I know. But—"
Brain: "Are you feeling neglected?"
Inner Me: "No."
Brain: "Then you need a distraction. Find a thing to do. Read a book or something."
Inner Me: "Good call. You're so smart."
Brain: "I know. You know you just complimented yourself, right?"
Inner Me: "Shh."
So I do things. Like yesterday: I met up with a friend and helped her pack up some things as she moves from a house to an apartment. I ran with her as part of our preparation for a four-miler in July. I completed initial discussion responses for an online class. I cooked a tasty lunch for myself. Today? I got my steps in by walking laps inside my house while I caught up with a good friend who calls me most mornings. I got to talk to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit while she was in between tours in London. I did some paperwork for my job. I completed my discussion replies to fellow classmates’ initial discussion responses. And my ex / one of my closest friends convinced me that it’s time for another blog, so I’ve spent about 45 minutes working on this. Even though I didn’t think I had anything to write about.
Anyway. I’m not sure how to wrap this up. But I’ll try. I think that being poly is good for me because—despite what folks on the outside may believe—you’re gonna spend some time alone. So you need to be comfortable with yourself to do that. And even after 14 years of effort, I am still a work in progress, but that’s okay because so is everyone else.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Introductions to Polyamory, Part III: Story #7
I’m giving this story its own post because it’s an in-depth tale, and I think that it can be relatable for a lot of people, speaking to one’s biggest fears in marriage, how to face them, and how to overcome them and grow from them.
Story #7
Apparently my husband had been interested in polyamory for several years but had not had the courage to start a conversation with me about it. Almost a year ago, he met someone playing Words with Friends. Yes, Words with Friends. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but they began chatting and really hit it off. By this fall, he was really beginning to have feelings for her, but he was torn up with guilt for lying to me. He had met her once (she lives 14 hours away) and wanted to continue a relationship with her. At the same time, he didn’t want to end his marriage with me.
Finally, I began to see that there was something wrong. My husband was a wreck but still didn’t want to come clean and tell the truth. Finally, I pried it out of him that he was in love with someone else. It was a kick in the gut for me. I was so angry that I packed my bags and left immediately. I didn’t even get the full story from him. I had to leave.
I took a week to work through things in my head. I stayed with my brother for a while and then took some time to myself . . . I talked to my husband briefly a couple of times during the week. It was the week of Thanksgiving. Things were really emotional. I knew that I still loved him and that he still loved me. I also knew that he was in love with another woman. I didn’t want to throw away 20+ years of a relationship with him, but I also didn’t want to give an ultimatum to him that he needed to leave her. I wouldn’t feel right moving forward with my marriage under those conditions. I felt that it could cause too much resentment and unhappiness in our future.
I talked to a friend about the concept of polyamory. I did research. I made notes. I agonized as to whether polyamory would be right for me. I returned to my husband after a week and proposed that we try polyamory and continue to work on our marriage. The one condition was absolute honesty from that moment forward.
During that talk, I found that the woman my husband was seeing was also married. She has a husband and three children, and she and her husband had been practicing polyamory for only about nine months. So, we began this journey. My husband and I set up OKCupid accounts together. We talked about dating other people, and he began his first overnight with my meta for the beginning of January.
I went on a few dates. Met one guy that was super sweet, but not poly, and therefore “wasn’t going to fall in love” with me. My husband mentioned that he and my meta had talked about putting me in touch with her husband. They thought that we would have a lot in common and could perhaps keep each other company during the upcoming overnight (weekend) trip that she and my husband were planning. I thought it sounded a bit weird and declined, but after a few days, I received an OKCupid message from my meta’s husband. I checked out his profile and was interested, so I responded.
Fast-forward four months, and I am now in love with my meta’s husband. I still haven’t met my meta, but I am open to it (just waiting for everyone else to get there). Oh, and I mentioned that our partners live 14 hours away? Not for long. Their house is currently on the market, and they plan to move [to a nearby city] ASAP.
I have to admit that in the beginning of this poly journey, I thought that I had made a mistake. I was wrong. My husband and I are in a much better place than we have been in years. We communicate much more openly and honestly than ever before. AND, I now have someone in my life that I truly love and adore! Now I cannot imagine my life without him too. Sometimes this all seems surreal, especially since it has all unfolded so fast over the past 5-6 months. Mainly, it feels as if I am a part of this amazing fairy tale that I don’t want to end.
“I appreciate you telling your story!” I tell her. “How would you define polyamory in your own words?”
For me, it’s about living with an open heart and an open mind. It is having the freedom to follow your true feelings and explore deeper relationships with others, and also learn a lot about yourself in the process.
End of Part III.
Story #7
Apparently my husband had been interested in polyamory for several years but had not had the courage to start a conversation with me about it. Almost a year ago, he met someone playing Words with Friends. Yes, Words with Friends. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but they began chatting and really hit it off. By this fall, he was really beginning to have feelings for her, but he was torn up with guilt for lying to me. He had met her once (she lives 14 hours away) and wanted to continue a relationship with her. At the same time, he didn’t want to end his marriage with me.
Finally, I began to see that there was something wrong. My husband was a wreck but still didn’t want to come clean and tell the truth. Finally, I pried it out of him that he was in love with someone else. It was a kick in the gut for me. I was so angry that I packed my bags and left immediately. I didn’t even get the full story from him. I had to leave.
I took a week to work through things in my head. I stayed with my brother for a while and then took some time to myself . . . I talked to my husband briefly a couple of times during the week. It was the week of Thanksgiving. Things were really emotional. I knew that I still loved him and that he still loved me. I also knew that he was in love with another woman. I didn’t want to throw away 20+ years of a relationship with him, but I also didn’t want to give an ultimatum to him that he needed to leave her. I wouldn’t feel right moving forward with my marriage under those conditions. I felt that it could cause too much resentment and unhappiness in our future.
I talked to a friend about the concept of polyamory. I did research. I made notes. I agonized as to whether polyamory would be right for me. I returned to my husband after a week and proposed that we try polyamory and continue to work on our marriage. The one condition was absolute honesty from that moment forward.
During that talk, I found that the woman my husband was seeing was also married. She has a husband and three children, and she and her husband had been practicing polyamory for only about nine months. So, we began this journey. My husband and I set up OKCupid accounts together. We talked about dating other people, and he began his first overnight with my meta for the beginning of January.
I went on a few dates. Met one guy that was super sweet, but not poly, and therefore “wasn’t going to fall in love” with me. My husband mentioned that he and my meta had talked about putting me in touch with her husband. They thought that we would have a lot in common and could perhaps keep each other company during the upcoming overnight (weekend) trip that she and my husband were planning. I thought it sounded a bit weird and declined, but after a few days, I received an OKCupid message from my meta’s husband. I checked out his profile and was interested, so I responded.
Fast-forward four months, and I am now in love with my meta’s husband. I still haven’t met my meta, but I am open to it (just waiting for everyone else to get there). Oh, and I mentioned that our partners live 14 hours away? Not for long. Their house is currently on the market, and they plan to move [to a nearby city] ASAP.
I have to admit that in the beginning of this poly journey, I thought that I had made a mistake. I was wrong. My husband and I are in a much better place than we have been in years. We communicate much more openly and honestly than ever before. AND, I now have someone in my life that I truly love and adore! Now I cannot imagine my life without him too. Sometimes this all seems surreal, especially since it has all unfolded so fast over the past 5-6 months. Mainly, it feels as if I am a part of this amazing fairy tale that I don’t want to end.
“I appreciate you telling your story!” I tell her. “How would you define polyamory in your own words?”
For me, it’s about living with an open heart and an open mind. It is having the freedom to follow your true feelings and explore deeper relationships with others, and also learn a lot about yourself in the process.
End of Part III.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Introductions to Polyamory, Part II
I had enough stories that I decided to make this into a series. I don’t really have a poignant introduction to these. So here are some more origin stories as to how some folks got into polyamory.
Edit: I don’t know what is going on with the formatting of this post, but I’m going to figure it out!
Story #4
With [current spouse] and I, it was always on the table. "If you gotta put your dick in someone, just be honest with me. I'd rather you just be honest with me." Because if a dude's gonna dick someone, they're gonna dick someone, whether I ask them to or not. He never expressed interest until after he started testosterone, and our sex life improved. I, on the other hand, while he was not interested in sex with me at all, started expressing the whole, I got needs and you have no interest in scratching the itch, sooo.... Ya know…
“What are your views on polyamory now?” I ask.
As for how I view it, it's been helpful for me to meet other people, and I didn't realize that I was considered desirable, because when I was mono with [current spouse], no one expressed interest, ever, and he wasn't interested in more than a friend-partner, (I think I just discovered the perfect term for what he and I have had), so it was an incredible boost to my self esteem, for one. To have different aspects of what I want/need taken care of, by another man, when [current spouse] couldn't do it, was near therapeutic in a way.
Story #5
I used to joke with [mutual college friend] that I'd have to have at least two partners for sexual satisfaction, emotional support, and full companionship because no one person would be likely to provide all three. Before [former spouse] and I got engaged, I asked her about being open and her reply was a firm "Oh, hell no" so I think polyamory was always something to which I was inclined or suited. A couple months before we split, she suggested an open relationship, but I don't think that should count because it was really just her excuse to terminate the relationship and she wasn't ethical about it.
A couple months before [current spouse] and I got married, she suggested an open relationship because of jealousy issues she was experiencing at the time. We talked it out and realized the relationship styles we wanted for ourselves and each other meshed nicely.
A couple months before [current spouse] and I got married, she suggested an open relationship because of jealousy issues she was experiencing at the time. We talked it out and realized the relationship styles we wanted for ourselves and each other meshed nicely.
Views on polyamory: Polyamory is the recognition that having concurrent romantic or sexual feelings for more than one person is acceptable and potentially healthier than striving to have those feelings for only one person and experiencing the guilt or conflict which goes along with such an effort.
Story #6
We'd been dating not yet two years when my boyfriend mentioned open relationships. We didn't even know the word polyamory yet, but it was definitely what we were discussing. For a long time, people assumed that I was the one that initiated it, but actually my initial reaction was fear of unworthiness accompanied by lots of dramatic tears. We kept talking about it though, slowly but surely.
More than a year later, we got a house with our best friends as roommates. Ironically, it made it so the idea of dating was pretty impossible, but how I felt having them live with us I think went a long way towards making the bigger ideas of poly click. A year later, they got their own place and moved out, and we decided it was the perfect time to move from talking to dating.
We hadn't had any sort of open aspect to our relationship before that point. I had a relationship almost immediately, about as soon as I updated my dating profile I matched with a friend of ours who had been previously poly. It was an educational relationship, even if it ultimately didn't last. 3ish years of talking can only prepare you for so much. We've been actively poly for a little over 3 years, and I only recently feel like we've quit hitting new speed bumps.
More than a year later, we got a house with our best friends as roommates. Ironically, it made it so the idea of dating was pretty impossible, but how I felt having them live with us I think went a long way towards making the bigger ideas of poly click. A year later, they got their own place and moved out, and we decided it was the perfect time to move from talking to dating.
We hadn't had any sort of open aspect to our relationship before that point. I had a relationship almost immediately, about as soon as I updated my dating profile I matched with a friend of ours who had been previously poly. It was an educational relationship, even if it ultimately didn't last. 3ish years of talking can only prepare you for so much. We've been actively poly for a little over 3 years, and I only recently feel like we've quit hitting new speed bumps.
“Can you give a couple of examples of some of the speed bumps?”
The speed at which we were comfortable being intimate with new people was very different, especially at first, and it took some hurt feelings and negotiation before we began to trust each other’s’ judgement easier. Also, we had issues with having expectations regarding relationships with metas. I was especially terrible at losing track of time on dates and not checking in for a while. I'm sure there are a bunch of others but those are ones that come to mind.
“How would you define polyamory?” I asked. “What does it mean to you?”
Polyamory is not putting arbitrary limits on a relationship. It means that I can love multiple people, share my life with multiple people. Those relationships may or may not resemble each other at all. It means that my relationships can change and evolve over time without becoming less. It means that my affection is not confined by labels.
In collecting more information, I find that my last hypothesis was off. Not everyone who began polyamory had skewed views of sexual activity versus emotionality. However, the theme of viewpoints of polyamory once being actively polyamorous for a time are similar. Some relationships have been strengthened while polyamory has shed light on issues that were already present in others. Which, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing and can actually be a good thing.
End of Part II.
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