Introductions to Polyamory, Part II

I had enough stories that I decided to make this into a series. I don’t really have a poignant introduction to these. So here are some more origin stories as to how some folks got into polyamory.

Edit: I don’t know what is going on with the formatting of this post, but I’m going to figure it out!

Story #4

With [current spouse] and I, it was always on the table. "If you gotta put your dick in someone, just be honest with me. I'd rather you just be honest with me." Because if a dude's gonna dick someone, they're gonna dick someone, whether I ask them to or not. He never expressed interest until after he started testosterone, and our sex life improved. I, on the other hand, while he was not interested in sex with me at all, started expressing the whole, I got needs and you have no interest in scratching the itch, sooo.... Ya know…

“What are your views on polyamory now?” I ask. 

As for how I view it, it's been helpful for me to meet other people, and I didn't realize that I was considered desirable, because when I was mono with [current spouse], no one expressed interest, ever, and he wasn't interested in more than a friend-partner, (I think I just discovered the perfect term for what he and I have had), so it was an incredible boost to my self esteem, for one. To have different aspects of what I want/need taken care of, by another man, when [current spouse] couldn't do it, was near therapeutic in a way. 

Story #5

I used to joke with [mutual college friend] that I'd have to have at least two partners for sexual satisfaction, emotional support, and full companionship because no one person would be likely to provide all three.  Before [former spouse] and I got engaged, I asked her about being open and her reply was a firm "Oh, hell no" so I think polyamory was always something to which I was inclined or suited. A couple months before we split, she suggested an open relationship, but I don't think that should count because it was really just her excuse to terminate the relationship and she wasn't ethical about it.

A couple months before [current spouse] and I got married, she suggested an open relationship because of jealousy issues she was experiencing at the time. We talked it out and realized the relationship styles we wanted for ourselves and each other meshed nicely.

Views on polyamory: Polyamory is the recognition that having concurrent romantic or sexual feelings for more than one person is acceptable and potentially healthier than striving to have those feelings for only one person and experiencing the guilt or conflict which goes along with such an effort.

Story #6

We'd been dating not yet two years when my boyfriend mentioned open relationships. We didn't even know the word polyamory yet, but it was definitely what we were discussing. For a long time, people assumed that I was the one that initiated it, but actually my initial reaction was fear of unworthiness accompanied by lots of dramatic tears. We kept talking about it though, slowly but surely.

More than a year later, we got a house with our best friends as roommates. Ironically, it made it so the idea of dating was pretty impossible, but how I felt having them live with us I think went a long way towards making the bigger ideas of poly click. A year later, they got their own place and moved out, and we decided it was the perfect time to move from talking to dating.

We hadn't had any sort of open aspect to our relationship before that point. I had a relationship almost immediately, about as soon as I updated my dating profile I matched with a friend of ours who had been previously poly. It was an educational relationship, even if it ultimately didn't last. 3ish years of talking can only prepare you for so much. We've been actively poly for a little over 3 years, and I only recently feel like we've quit hitting new speed bumps.

“Can you give a couple of examples of some of the speed bumps?”

The speed at which we were comfortable being intimate with new people was very different, especially at first, and it took some hurt feelings and negotiation before we began to trust each other’s’ judgement easier. Also, we had issues with having expectations regarding relationships with metas. I was especially terrible at losing track of time on dates and not checking in for a while. I'm sure there are a bunch of others but those are ones that come to mind.

“How would you define polyamory?” I asked. “What does it mean to you?”

Polyamory is not putting arbitrary limits on a relationship. It means that I can love multiple people, share my life with multiple people. Those relationships may or may not resemble each other at all. It means that my relationships can change and evolve over time without becoming less. It means that my affection is not confined by labels.

In collecting more information, I find that my last hypothesis was off. Not everyone who began polyamory had skewed views of sexual activity versus emotionality. However, the theme of viewpoints of polyamory once being actively polyamorous for a time are similar. Some relationships have been strengthened while polyamory has shed light on issues that were already present in others. Which, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing and can actually be a good thing.

End of Part II.