Guest Post by Dorothy: Expectation vs. Reality

As I mentioned the other day, I have a guest blogger for this post. Dorothy is vocal about being polyamorous, and I asked if she could share her perspective.

For those new to the topic, here are some vocabulary lessons first:

• “Nesting partner” or “NP” is the partner you live with. 
• “Metamour” or “meta” is your partner’s partner.
• “Compersion” is being happy over your partner being happy with another partner. It is said to be the antonym of “jealousy.”

So you could have compersion over hearing your nesting partner gush about a date with your meta.

There will be other potentially new terms, but Dorothy explains them as she makes note of them.

And here we go:

My polyamorous relationships have pretty much turned out exactly the way I expected and intended. I am full of love, and my love for one person does not take away from my love for anyone else. I've been able to develop both of my existing relationships, while keeping myself open to the possibility of developing another (though I'm not actively looking). I've also been able to indulge my desire for flirty, slutty adventures. Not every polyamorous person also has an "open" relationship style, but I do. I don't seek out hook-ups or new partners, but I like knowing that I am not limited if I come across someone I'd like to do sex with and/or date. I would love to have a femme partner in addition to my two male partners, but I think I'd max out at three. While my love is infinite, my emotional energy is not. I don't think I could have more than three partners and still meet everyone's emotional needs or desire for attention. I wouldn't want to spread myself too thin, so to speak, or for them to feel that they aren't important enough to spend time with.

I have a primary, who is my nesting partner and soulmate (herein referred to as NP). He was not familiar with polyamory before being with me, and the idea certainly threw him for a loop. He adjusted by doing a lot of research - probably more research than I did. I didn't know of the term "compersion," one of my favorite words now, until he discovered it. He is mono with me by choice. He isn't interested in other people, but if that ever changes, he knows he would have my full support in pursuing his feelings. It's been a learning curve for both of us, but I think it's working. We have nested happily in a beautiful house together. We love and support one another in all areas of life, and the fact that I have/could have other partner(s) does not interfere with our ability to build a life together. On the day-to-day, we are just like any other couple: spending time together, living together, taking care of the house, being there for each other emotionally, sex, dates, dinners, spending with each other's families.

I have a long distance partner was well (herein referred to as LDR), who is also polyamorous. He and I had been friends for years before discovering our feelings for each other, and our mutual desire to never be monogamous again. Even as friends, we often discussed feeling "other" for wanting "everything." We had the chance to date as primaries and chose not to, and then I moved away. I think this long distance, not exclusive relationship is best for us. We get to love and support each other without trying to force ourselves to love ONLY each other. We aren't as involved in one another's family life, but I think that has more to do with physical distance than anything else. We may be far away, but we talk at least a little every day. Besides wishing we could visit more (which would be easier if it weren't quite so far), I wouldn't change a thing. He has a girlfriend who is new to polyamory, and had a lot of misconceptions about what polyamory is actually like.

When LDR first asked his now girlfriend to be his primary she said no, and said some things that offended me and hurt my feelings, including assuming that someone mono in a polyam relationship has "serious self-esteem issues." I can't think of anything further from the truth. I think it takes a very confident and self-assured person to understand that their partner may want to pursue other relationships, and that those relationships won't diminish their partner's feelings for them. She also said that she didn't "want to see it," which I took to mean that she would never want to get to know me. That made me especially sad, because I would love to have a Meta that I can be friends with. It's also saddening because I support LDR and his relationship with her, and as long as they are together, I consider her needs and happiness to be just as important as either of my partners', or my own. She has since read up on polyamory, discussed things with him, and agreed to give it a go.

One thing I've noticed is that most discussions about polyamory are centered around the closed (usually FMF) triad style of relationship, or quads (often consisting of two existing couples). I was surprised to learn that most people assume that's the only form of polyamory. My partners and I all have no desire to date other couples or form a triad/quad (although if it came about naturally through friendship first, I'm sure we'd be open to the idea). Despite the fact that I do exist in a hierarchical relationship style, with a primary and a secondary (I don't like that term, because it implies that relationship is somehow lesser, and it's not. It's just different, and our lives aren't as enmeshed time-wise or financially), I date completely separately from both of my partners, and my also polyamorous LDR relationship dates completely separately from me and his girlfriend, thus being "solo-polyamorous." (There are a lot of terms that are new to all of us!) I wish that people viewing polyamory from the outside (and many people inside the community, for that matter) would realize that there really is "no ONE way to love," and that solo-polyam people can exist within hierarchical relationship styles. I'm real! I'm right here.

Some people assume solo-polyam people are just greedy sluts that want an excuse to cheat on their partners. I might be slutty, and I might be greedy, but I am NOT dishonest. I cheated on people when I was younger, and didn't know that monogamy wasn't the only way. I thought there was something wrong with me for being able to love more than one person at a time. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being particularly upset when partners cheated on me. I used to have a rule for me being cheated on. You'd be forgiven as long as it was with "no one I love, and no one I hate," the only scenarios that had ever made me feel truly betrayed. I tried to force myself into the box that society built for me, and ended up hurting my partners and myself. I never want anyone involved with me to go through that again. My personal mantra is "Be Direct, Be Open, Be Honest," not just in polyamory, but in all aspects of life. Say what you mean, tell people how you feel, but also be open, meaning listen to others and respect their feelings as much as your own.

I think that a lot of people assume pansexual and bisexual polyamorous people just want to be able to date one person of each gender. There are so many problems with this assumption, the first being that there are way more than two genders, and I would be way way over poly-saturated if I tried to find a partner that identifies with every spot on the spectrum! I am pansexual, and while I'd love to have a partner that isn't a man, so far I've ended up with not one, but TWO men that I love and am happy to be with. In my opinion, open relationships that implement the "one penis" or "one vagina" rule are not really polyamorous. They are problematic in that they imply gender = genitalia, which is transphobic and untrue. They almost always cross over into Unicorn Hunter territory. When my ex-husband tried to implement the "one-penis" rule upon me when I asked for an open marriage (and then had us make a horrible Unicorn Hunting OKCupid profile that I really hope isn't up anymore), it eventually came out that he didn't think bisexuality was real (I identified as bi at the time), and thus his maleness and our relationship would not be "threatened" by me being with another woman. There is a lot of toxic cis/male/monogamy/bi-erasure culture to unpack there. I hope he's out there working on that, while I build my beautiful polyamorous family.

As for Metas, I know that a lot of people cannot fathom not feeling jealousy over your partner being with someone else. My friend asked me the other day, the most common question, "Don't you get jealous?" I replied that yes, I do get jealous, but more often I feel compersion, basically the opposite of jealousy. She said, "Why do I not believe you?" So I explained. Usually when I am jealous, it's over time and attention, not sex, love, and affection. Compersion comes easily to me, maybe because I am so full of myself! I know I'm awesome, and if my partner has feelings for someone else, they are probably awesome, too! The idea of LDR spending time with his girlfriend, making dinner together, being intimate and sleeping next to each other makes me happy, because they are happy and they deserve to have special time together. Although I will admit jealousy over the food they make... Every time he tells me what they cooked, I get hungry for that thing and wish I got to eat some! This is the only part that makes me sad: that she and I aren't friends, and she may never be open to being friends. So even if we didn't live so far apart, I am missing out on a potential friendship with someone I'd probably get along with really well. He has a type, haha, and I've always gotten along with his ex-girlfriends (except one) and with the one other person he was on-again-off-again with overlapping with me (I've always thought of her as my meta even though they weren't "official" last time they got involved). I hope that she will change her mind and be ok with interacting with me.

As for my partners, I also wish they'd interact a little and be friendly, if only so that they can say hello when we're in the same space and maybe one day they'll need to plan something special for me together, and it won't be awkward. This might be the only part of polyamory that didn't turn out quite the way that I expected. I wasn't assuming they'd become best friends or anything, and I know they support each other's happiness in theory, but they have only met once. I know LDR would be totally fine with being around NP, but NP is still new to everything and seems less comfortable with the idea of interacting with LDR. I won't push it, because we are comfortable now and we live so far away that it hardly comes up. But I do hope that ALL the Metas (and any future metas) can be friendly. We are all on the same team!


Do you have a story like this one? Maybe you have a different take on polyamory? Email me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com.

Perceptions of Polyamory

Taking a break from the introductory stories into polyamory to space those out a little bit (and to allow folks more time to get back to me, because I’m working on other people’s schedules, because they apparently have lives that don’t revolve around mine. Go fig.). But I noticed (and am unsurprised) that most people wish to have their stories anonymous, and they have stressed this point to the nth degree.

Which brings me to today’s post. There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory in mainstream society. I figure that this is a relevant topic of interest because:

1. As I learned from asking people in the lifestyle how they began their polyamorous relationships, I found that some had discrepancies between what they believed initially and what they believe now about polyamory.
2. Most individuals who submitted their stories wished to be anonymous.
3. Which is relatable because I maintain an anonymous blog.
4. When I asked around about topic ideas due to having a bout of writer’s block, a friend told me this was a good idea.

Why do we feel the need to be anonymous? Because many people find polyamory to be immoral. They find it damaging to families and to relationships. My mother, although she is supportive of me and my choices, is often concerned over how her grandchildren will turn out as a result. My in-laws have accused us of being selfish and of “pawning off” our children onto them some weekends, when in actuality, we have been sending the children off for weekends with their grandparents as often as we always have—both before they knew we were polyamorous and before we actually were (except that it was just one grandchild in the Before Times, but that’s just me being pedantic by saying that I guess. Unless I’m misusing the word “pedantic.” That’s ironic, right?).

But perception is reality. Because the knowledge is now out there that my husband and I are polyamorous, the view of who we are as people has changed. Which is why I have yet to tell my father, my brothers, or any other member of my family. But we’re the same people. If it weren’t for me telling someone, they would never know. In fact, at my last job, a fellow coworker joked about how boring I was, having no idea that my plans after work consisted of driving two hours to see my two boyfriends at the time for the entire weekend (much of the time, bringing along my kids to play with their children).

I wanted to ask others their reasons for not being open about being polyamorous. But then I realized that it would be redundant, as the reasons tend to be pretty much why I don’t tell most of my family, friends, or cohorts at work. Ostracization is a big deal to many, and sometimes it leads to things like unemployment. But here’s one other person’s perspective:

“I'm out-ish. I don't tell people super-casually, most of my actual friends know, and one co-worker knows. I used pictures with my face on dating sites where I disclosed my non-monogamy. There's a stigma, and that stigma will only fade by the exposure of polyamorists, but in the meantime we still have to deal with that stigma in day-to-day life.” ~ Alex (He gave the OK to use his first name, y’all.)

Ironically, by hiding this aspect of ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the misconceptions in society regarding polyamory. How are we going to combat this if we stay silent?

Said the chick with the anonymous blog.

Well, I do me. This is how I fix things. Others are out there being, well, out there.

“I'm fairly out because I don’t like having to hide parts of myself from people I'm otherwise close to . . . I don’t like having to remember who’s in the know and who isn’t, and I really hate having to pretend that I don't have feelings for someone that I'm in love with just because we're not in front of the ‘right’ people. Also, I do feel that if there aren't more public examples of healthy poly, then it will never be really accepted as a relationship choice.” ~ Nina

And this leads into my next blog post, which will be a guest post written by Dorothy (who has explicitly stated that she is open and that she does not mind her name being mentioned).

Introductions to Polyamory, Part I

Hey, everyone! I was going through a bout of writer’s block and asked friends for ideas on what to write. One idea that came up was people’s introductions into polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (not to equate the two, as polyamory is under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, but I imagine that the process of bringing this up with a partner is similar). I’ve already mentioned mine in here, but I can bring up the reader’s digest version here:

My Story, Condensed (for me at least)
I had friends who were polyamorous for a long while, and the idea intrigued me. One day, I remember asking my husband what his thoughts were, to kind of test the waters, but he was not into the idea. I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but he thought the notion was ridiculous (which is pretty funny now). Not to make him doubt my commitment with him, I kind of laughed it off and said something like, “Yeah, totally. What you said.” Fast-forward about 3-5 years, my husband—who was comfortable with the notion of casual play with others, so long as we did so together—had brought up the idea of a casual encounter with a married couple we’d met through a friend (the friend now being my girlfriend). At first, I was okay with the idea, but my anxiety increased over the course of the week between the conversation of casual play and the intended act of casual play. By the weekend, I was a mess, and the wife of the couple suggested having a relationship. This idea instantly put my mind at ease, as I identify as demisexual (meaning that I have to know a person before I really dig them), so this was up my alley. My husband and I talked about it. I remember it being pretty brief. He asked if I was sure that I was okay with it, and I said I was. And that was that. Then we delved into the literature and podcasts and asked our poly friends questions.

I imagine that’s not the norm. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is no norm. And that’s what I want to find out. So I’m asking around and collecting stories, leaving out names, as I don’t include anyone’s in here. To be sure that I don’t misinterpret anything, I’m including their stories in their own words (aside from the omission of names).

Story #1
I was the kid no one wanted ‘cause I tried too hard to be liked, although I didn't understand that at the time. I wanted something like what I read about in the Anita Blake books, where people could just dog-pile and no one got offended over where someone's hand was. I didn't know what poly was until I met [former spouse]. Once we got together, he asked me if I was willing to be poly, and being the laid-back guy I was, I said sure. I'd give it a try. I've really liked it. I don't know that I'll go back to being monogamous. There might be times where I only have one partner, but I'll always feel poly. Love is an infinite thing. It’s hubris to think we can stuff it all into one person that is finite.

I then asked the question, “Now that you know what polyamory is, what does it mean to you? Like, how would you define it?”

Response: I prefer it. I just have to be honest, and I get to do things most people won't/can't do like three-ways and such, but it isn't just sex. I can share different things with different people. I prefer it ‘cause there is such a focus on honesty and communication that you just don't see in monogamy. At least I didn't.

Story #2
I got into it the first time by accident. I was 16. The second time was intentional. I was the third, but not a unicorn. I was arguing with my TA in health class, and two girls jumped on the bandwagon with me. After class, we all talked for a long time. One was heavy into BDSM (my first time hearing about it), and the other knew about BDSM and lived with her fiancée. Other girl and I started talking as friends, decided to go swimming at the school pool a few times a week, and just generally hanging out. I asked random questions about poly here and there as shit got brought up by her. I met her fiancée about a month after classes started, and he and I hit it off. I was then asked if I wanted to be their third. I accepted the offer. We all got along well, but then the girl got jealous and controlling.... it got awkward after we all slept together a few times. He wanted more contact with me (to balance out her time with me and their time together), and that got her jealousy going. Instead of discussing it, she demanded it end. And it did, in very early November. That was in 2003.

When discussing the idea of ethical non-monogamy with another partner:

I was blunt from the beginning. “Look, I’m bi. I like girls and guys. I want to sleep with both.”
Him: “ok.”
Me: “I don’t want to cheat on you. Could we try an open relationship?”
Him: “uh, how?”
Then, we chatted for awhile about how that might look. He didn’t want us to date anyone else but was ok with us playing around with other girls sometimes. So, it was that way for awhile....until he decided that me making out with someone else (with his blessing) was, in fact, cheating. So we closed it down for awhile. Until early 2006. Then, we met a girl who we wanted to date. And we did date her together. Until he started seeing her behind my back—think “I’m gonna study at my apartment” but she was over, and he was studying her anatomy. All three of us talked, he and I broke up with her, I thought about ending things with him and almost did. But he and I worked through it. The wedding had already been in the planning stages, and we continued planning and got married that July.

When asked to define polyamory: The ability to—although not always the reality of—have multiple loving and intimate relationships simultaneously. And that love/intimacy may take different forms with various partners. It’s not always sexual. Sometimes it’s super close friendship without sex. Some partners do have sex. And they all know about each other and are okay with it. If someone isn’t all right with what’s happening, it’s discussed. And that discussion may change things. It might not. It depends on what happens during the talk and what people agree on/understand.

Story #3
I was married when I realized that monogamy wasn't for me. Trying to talk to my now ex husband about it was a disaster. He tried to implement the one peen rule, then told me that he didn't believe bisexuality was real (he'd known I am bisexual the whole time), then tried to make us into unicorn hunters and called it progress. Meanwhile I was falling in love with someone else. Things fell apart with him for that and many, many other reasons. When we broke up, I knew I'd never agree to try monogamy again.

Then everything got better. I moved away to live with the person I'd always believed to be my soulmate, who became my nesting partner. The friend I had fallen for while married, who also discovered that polyamory was best for him, is now my long distance significant other (with an in-town girlfriend of his own). I'd love a femme partner as well, and for all the metas to be friends, but with everyone living far apart and being new to this, I know that will take time. I am happy and fulfilled, and I believe my partners feel the same way. 💖

I am still collecting stories, but based on the small sample of stories I have collected (I have a couple more), the early notions of polyamory have a larger focus on sexual activity than over time. I gather that sex continues to be an important factor, in the same way that it’s important in monogamous relationships. However, the focus appears to shift from sexual to emotional. “Love is an infinite thing.” “And that love/intimacy may take different forms with various partners.” “I am happy and fulfilled.” I’m interested in seeing if this trend continues as I collect more stories.

End of Part I. Keep sending me stories, y'all! Edit: You can email me now! HypoManicPixie@gmail.com!

Positive Self-Traits

So I decided to write out a list of positive things about myself. I honestly thought I’d struggle to come up with five. I came up with 18. Well, two were goofy things that maybe shouldn’t count, but even that would make it 16. 

One of the silly ones came after my first pen stopped working as I was writing, “I am a good writer.” With a new pen, I wrote, “I appreciate the irony of my pen running out of ink just now.” The other one that maybe shouldn’t count: “I make great froyo selections.” (It’s true though.)

But overall, I came up with legitimately positive traits. Like how I’m empathetic and intelligent, and I semi-reluctantly put down that I’m pretty because it’s something I haven’t really believed. But in recent months, I’ve started trying to listen to my partners (and acknowledge that that’s plural...), and I’ve found that while I haven’t been outright positive in my self-talk about my appearance, I haven’t said shitty stuff to myself about it either. Anyway. Then it dawned on me that maybe I do believe my partners, at least on some level. And I can work with that. 

Not that being attractive is the most important thing. I’ve been the same way about my intelligence. It was just somehow easier to write that down because I feel like I have more “proof,” even though it’s still hard for me to fully grasp. But I have a Master’s degree. I’m thriving in my doctorate program. I have the results from my ADHD testing on the fridge, and the psychiatrist explained that some components of it indicate high intelligence. So, yes, I put it on the fridge as something to be proud of. But also as a reminder for when I call myself stupid. “No, stupid, you’re not stupid. This thing says you’re not.” And the husband administered an IQ test to me in undergrad (he was in grad school though), and I was “above average.” So. Proof. Attractiveness is harder to come by because it’s trusting people, and people can lie. 

But anyway. I came up with 18 things. Thinking about them helped me when I was ruminating at 4:30 in the morning, when I accidentally woke up the boyfriend by messaging him (Y’all. He stays up late every night, and the messenger showed he was online. I don’t just randomly message anyone at 4:30 in the morning.), “Go to bed!” like I do when I wake up in the night. Felt pretty bad when he told me I’d woken him. I needed to do some thought-stopping and challenge my negative self-talk. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped. 

So I recommend trying it out. Make a list of the good things about you. If you can’t think of any, think of what other people say about you, even if you don’t believe it. 

Crashing and Rising

I’m still learning about my diagnosis. From what I gather, a [hypo]manic episode needs to last for a particular amount of time (I believe three days), but I swear that it all happened yesterday—although I have had anxious dreams over the last few nights, so maybe those could be attributed? I’m not sure. But yesterday, I woke up on my own at 5:00, and while I was physically tired, I was mentally awake. All week, I’ve been waiting for the online classroom for my next course to open up (hmmmmm, maybe that’s something) so that I could get as far ahead in the class as I could. And when I checked the school website, I saw that I had access, so I got into Blackboard and started working on classwork.

In the span of 10 hours, I took care of my kids, loaded up the car with their things so that they could spend the weekend with their Grandpa, posted a welcome message and acknowledgments of the faculty and program expectations in the online classroom, skimmed a couple of assigned chapters, posted my initial discussion responses for the first two weeks, wrote a paper that’s due a week from tomorrow, and blurted out a blog post on the fly.

Near the end of all of that, I could feel my energy draining. Like I used it all in one go.... One ten-hour go... But I still had plans with my boyfriend and my girlfriend. Hell, I was already at my boyfriend’s house doing ALL THE THINGS while he was at school (he gives me the OK to come over before he’s home, and while I’m *pretty sure* that’s an open invitation, I don’t take advantage of that and ask 1-3 times in advance to be absolutely sure that it’s cool because dudeface has a life outside of me), so I needed to hold it together. 

We had low-key plans though, just hanging out on the couch while he played Alien: Isolation (he hates scary stuff, but he knows I love it, so he decided to get this game so that I can watch him, and we jump together, and it’s cute) or some other video game. So I could take that time to reenergize before our dinner plans with our girlfriend, because I also needed to have it together for when I later stayed the night over at her house.

But I lost it at dinner when the boyfriend was on his soapbox (which is honestly one of the things I love about him) and then said a thing like, “If marriage is only gonna end in divorce, then what’s the point?” It sound bizarre out of context, but I started feeling overly empathetic because he had a failed marriage, and I couldn’t fix the things and couldn’t fully reconcile that and couldn’t stop emoting and had to excuse myself to the restroom so that I didn’t look visibly upset. And I came back and made even worse eye contact than I normally do and played with my phone while they talked about an anime until it was time to go.

Girlfriend and I went out for froyo afterwards, and I explained what was going on in my head. I know that I could have said it at dinner, but I knew that the boyfriend was going home soon, so I didn’t want to make a Big Thing only to follow that up with, “Well, byyyye!” That, and I know he means well, and I totally reach out to him when I need to a majority of the time, but I recognize that he doesn’t entirely know what to do with a broken me. And that’s okay because I appreciate the effort, and effort is really all I want out of anyone. But anyway. I told the girlfriend about it all, and she agreed with me that it sounds like I was coming down from a manic episode. Except it’s hypomania, so instead of throwing down money I don’t have on a thing I don’t need as a for instance, I do productive things like get two weeks ahead in a class that wasn’t even to start for three more days.

And it was back to feeling the way that I have been in the past, prior to the mood stabilizer: If I stay in motion, I’m fine. If we can keep the conversation going, the jokes going, everything moving forward—I’m fine. I’ma call it emotional inertia. Because when it stops, I’m stagnant. Because I woke up this morning feeling kind of pointless. Except not entirely, so I guess that’s not the right word. I didn’t have suicidal ideations or self-harming thoughts of any kind, but I looked at the last message from the boyfriend. “I love you.” And I wanted to write back, “But fucking why?” Except that I’d already written back, “I love you too,” last night, and he had only been asleep for a couple of hours when I had the thought.

It’s hard to pick yourself up when you’re down. I was on my phone for an hour and a half while lying next to the girlfriend, but I didn’t want to wake her because I knew that she was waking up soon and didn’t want her to lose out on sleep. So I occupied my mind as best as I could, and then I made the choice to at least try today. I can’t help how I feel, but I can help what I do.

And it was around that time that I came across a cute and surprisingly fitting posting of The Rock saying that it’s gonna be okay. So I shared that on my Facebook page because I need that, and I don’t know who else does. And I’m gonna share it here too.

Do what you can.

How to Make Friends in the Lifestyle. So I’m Told.

One question that I’ve been asked is, “How do you meet people who are polyamorous?” And that’s a good question. I’m an open-minded gal, so I actually just stumbled upon people in the lifestyle through simply talking with friends I already had, many of whom I had known since college. I was not seeking them out or anything. I was just a trustworthy friend, and they ended up telling me about their lives, and I ended up not caring (in the best possible way of “not caring” of course, in that I had and have no judgment...obviously).

But my husband and I don’t live near our old university, and neither do our friends. So, honestly, how we met people in the poly lifestyle was through an entirely different social community. See, my husband had set himself up a profile on FetLife a while back (going on four years), and he had initially not told me because he just wanted to do some research for some things that worked for our dynamic (which I don’t need to go into specifics about because that’s not the point of this blog, but you can use your imagination, and you may or may not be right, but whatever). And then he sat me down one day and said that he had some confession to make. I’m over here thinking, “When would he have time to cheat?” But then he tells me that he set up a profile, solely for the purpose of learning, “...but then I saw that there’s actually a great community out here, and they do regular meet-ups, and I thought that maybe you might want to make your own profile, and we could meet new people!”

So we went to a dinner and made some friends. Someone there made an announcement about an upcoming event she was having at her home the following month. We RSVPed for that. I showed up with sweet potato fries. I saw she had prepared a smorgasbord. I thought, “Well, I’ll just throw this in the trash.” 

We ended up befriending the chickadee, and we went to her house for parties and game nights and ended up making friends. And then we stumbled into polyamory in the way that I mentioned in the past (We made friends through game nights and made plans with said friends when my husband found them on FetLife—did I mention that part before? Ah, well. And then I freaked out about the idea of casual sex, and one of the friends brought up the idea of a relationship, and I jumped on the notion.). Oh! And that chickadee we befriended is now my girlfriend.

But none of this answers the opening question. Speaking with others, I would recommend checking out Meetup.com for local social groups. 

As for dating sites/apps, I would recommend Tinder and OKCupid, as these have both been recommended by friends and partners (particularly the former). While Tinder is primarily known for being a hook-up site, I am told that many profiles indicate “NOT HERE FOR HOOK-UPS!”

And I really do mean that this is all “what I hear,” because I have managed to meet all of my partners organically. I admit that I am in the minority with this. And it’s funny that, with how socially anxious I am, that I have been able to accomplish this.

Anyway. From there, all you really need are a few connections, and then you get into the community. Someone you meet will be a member of some Facebook group, and you can get an invite because a lot of them are “secret” and thus cannot be found during a search. Oh! But then again, some are just “closed,” which means that they are available to be found through a search. So you can meet people that way as well. However, be mindful of the fact that most of these groups are for the purpose of making friends and having a place to discuss concerns or relevant topics of interest.

So it really depends on what you’re looking for. Dating? Tinder or OKC. Friendships? Meetup and Facebook. Maybe FetLife. I suppose that’d be good for both actually.

Not sure how to smoothly end this, so: the end.

Compartmentalization

A good friend pointed out to me a point that could have been made in my most recent blog post. Another part about self-care / wellness / being a complete you in polyamory is compartmentalization, in that you find people who meet particular wants and needs, helping to make you a happy and whole person.

Not that you need anyone to make you happy. YOU are a strong, independent person. You work it.

But there’s a difference between needing someone to make you happy and choosing people that help to satisfy your wants and needs, be they sexual, physical (I feel like this is different from “sexual,” because I mean physical health here), emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and so forth. And some people meet all of the above, while some meet a few, and others may overlap in what they bring to the table. Which is totally fine and probably even preferred, but it’s not required. 

And I feel like a lot of my needs are being met right now among my significant others. Except maybe with the physical component. For instance, I want someone I can go on walks or runs with. Right now, I have a couple of friends for that, which is also cool, but it’d be nice to have a stronger emotional connection with someone I was sharing those things with.

And you, too, can have your wants and needs met in such a way! *end infomercial voice* How? Well, what I did some time back was make a list of my wants and needs. Ideally, you want these to be two different lists, but sometimes it can be hard to discern, so for the sake of free association, you can lump them together (and then you can separate them later to determine what you truly need versus what is icing on the cake). From there, you can see what a partner can provide versus what you can provide for yourself. Because your partners enrich your happiness; they are not (or should not be) the sole sources of it. You should still make time for you outside of your relationships. Which, granted, can be difficult, depending on your life, but it can be done. I have three partners, two kids, a job, and am in an online doctorate program. But I also make time for friends, for writing, and for naps.

Although fewer naps than I used to have. But that could be the new meds making me less lethargic.

At any rate, it can be done. I recommend making the list, seeing what you want and need out of a partner versus what you can provide for yourself, and then I would recommend another column that indicates whether or not these needs are being met. If not, then why not? Does this warrant a discussion with your partners? Is this a want or need that you are not actively seeking out? Why not? And go from there.

Happy You & Happy Y’all

I recognize that I haven’t written about polyamory lately and have focused more on mental health (and then a guest blogger posted in between), but I honestly haven’t had much to write about. I have been trying to keep topics relevant to everyone who has delved into polyamory, telling my personal stories, but for the purpose of a general topic that applies to most. And I’ve honestly just been drawing a blank, beyond wanting to tell you all how my life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows being polyamorous. I had worked on a draft of the mess of a year I had in 2017, but it’s probably best to give some more space between incidents and now (which is mostly sunshine and rainbows). So you really will get that one day. In fact, I’ll probably keep typing it and working on perfecting it so that when the time comes, I can stop teasing it and post it.

But until then...


I want to find a way to tie in both topics today: polyamory and mental health. For instance, self-care. What does that look like? It’s something that I often struggle with, and I touched on it a bit in a previous entry when discussing time management in order to even live a polyamorous lifestyle. But I think it should be more than that. **Shout-out to my girlfriend for helping me hone in on the topic for the day!**

Whitmeyer, Sweeney, & Meyer (2004)

To have any successful relationship, you gotta think of it in three parts: there’s you, there’s your partner, and there’s your relationship. Sounds easy enough, yeah? Only, I feel, that people focus more on that third part, not realizing that the other two are equally important in making that third part thrive. Because an happy you makes an unhappy y’all (I’m a North Carolinian. Get over it.).

Basically, what this means is that you have individual time for yourself, your partner has individual time, and then you two have time together. What do you do with that individual time? Hobbies! Homework (if you have any)! SLEEP! Coffee date with a friend! Read a book. Take a class. Exercise. Lately, I’ve been making walking/running plans with friends (or on my own). Surprisingly fewer naps. And I’ve started goofing on Instagram, and it’s helped me with getting in touch with my photographer side (have I said this already? I feel like I said this already. Oh, well. I’d said it twice.) Happy you makes for happy y’all.

But what if your you time isn’t enough? Because sometimes, say if you have fallen into a depressive state, it’s not. So what do you do?

Communicate. For the love of all that is sacred and profane: communicate.

These people love you. Or strongly like you (because maybe y’all haven’t reached the love stage, and that’s okay.). They want to be in your life. Even if you don’t know why sometimes. Even if you don’t know why a lot of the time. They know why, and that’s fine. My boyfriend, just moments ago, jokingly-not-jokingly said to me something like (I’m slightly altering it, but he says he heard it elsewhere, but he can’t remember where. Feel free to tell me so that I can credit whoever.), “Don’t worry about believing in you. Believe in me who believes in you.”

Anyway. They want to be around you. They want you to be happy. They can’t help you if you don’t let them in. So do that. As hard as it can be sometimes, do that. Even if you’re repeating yourself or if you know that your worries are irrational. Sometimes, I cognitively know one thing but feel something that is the complete opposite. And I cannot reconcile it in my mind, so I end up asking for validation. I try not to do that too often because I cannot depend on other people for my happiness.

And what I mean by that is that people are not responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for that. If you are sad, you cannot be mad at someone for not being able to make you feel better. And when I’m down, I don’t blame other people for my depression. I don’t blame other people for my anxiety. Or I try not to. Maybe I do and can’t think of instances right now. But I try really hard to own my mess.

But sometimes it’s too much. And that’s okay. And when that happens, I communicate. Because it’s part of taking care of myself. And part of that is letting my partners help. It’s what they want to do.

Happy you is a happy y’all. (I am having so much fun typing that. I have no idea if it’s fun to read for anyone else, and I kind of don’t care.)