Compartmentalization

A good friend pointed out to me a point that could have been made in my most recent blog post. Another part about self-care / wellness / being a complete you in polyamory is compartmentalization, in that you find people who meet particular wants and needs, helping to make you a happy and whole person.

Not that you need anyone to make you happy. YOU are a strong, independent person. You work it.

But there’s a difference between needing someone to make you happy and choosing people that help to satisfy your wants and needs, be they sexual, physical (I feel like this is different from “sexual,” because I mean physical health here), emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and so forth. And some people meet all of the above, while some meet a few, and others may overlap in what they bring to the table. Which is totally fine and probably even preferred, but it’s not required. 

And I feel like a lot of my needs are being met right now among my significant others. Except maybe with the physical component. For instance, I want someone I can go on walks or runs with. Right now, I have a couple of friends for that, which is also cool, but it’d be nice to have a stronger emotional connection with someone I was sharing those things with.

And you, too, can have your wants and needs met in such a way! *end infomercial voice* How? Well, what I did some time back was make a list of my wants and needs. Ideally, you want these to be two different lists, but sometimes it can be hard to discern, so for the sake of free association, you can lump them together (and then you can separate them later to determine what you truly need versus what is icing on the cake). From there, you can see what a partner can provide versus what you can provide for yourself. Because your partners enrich your happiness; they are not (or should not be) the sole sources of it. You should still make time for you outside of your relationships. Which, granted, can be difficult, depending on your life, but it can be done. I have three partners, two kids, a job, and am in an online doctorate program. But I also make time for friends, for writing, and for naps.

Although fewer naps than I used to have. But that could be the new meds making me less lethargic.

At any rate, it can be done. I recommend making the list, seeing what you want and need out of a partner versus what you can provide for yourself, and then I would recommend another column that indicates whether or not these needs are being met. If not, then why not? Does this warrant a discussion with your partners? Is this a want or need that you are not actively seeking out? Why not? And go from there.