Happy You & Happy Y’all

I recognize that I haven’t written about polyamory lately and have focused more on mental health (and then a guest blogger posted in between), but I honestly haven’t had much to write about. I have been trying to keep topics relevant to everyone who has delved into polyamory, telling my personal stories, but for the purpose of a general topic that applies to most. And I’ve honestly just been drawing a blank, beyond wanting to tell you all how my life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows being polyamorous. I had worked on a draft of the mess of a year I had in 2017, but it’s probably best to give some more space between incidents and now (which is mostly sunshine and rainbows). So you really will get that one day. In fact, I’ll probably keep typing it and working on perfecting it so that when the time comes, I can stop teasing it and post it.

But until then...


I want to find a way to tie in both topics today: polyamory and mental health. For instance, self-care. What does that look like? It’s something that I often struggle with, and I touched on it a bit in a previous entry when discussing time management in order to even live a polyamorous lifestyle. But I think it should be more than that. **Shout-out to my girlfriend for helping me hone in on the topic for the day!**

Whitmeyer, Sweeney, & Meyer (2004)

To have any successful relationship, you gotta think of it in three parts: there’s you, there’s your partner, and there’s your relationship. Sounds easy enough, yeah? Only, I feel, that people focus more on that third part, not realizing that the other two are equally important in making that third part thrive. Because an happy you makes an unhappy y’all (I’m a North Carolinian. Get over it.).

Basically, what this means is that you have individual time for yourself, your partner has individual time, and then you two have time together. What do you do with that individual time? Hobbies! Homework (if you have any)! SLEEP! Coffee date with a friend! Read a book. Take a class. Exercise. Lately, I’ve been making walking/running plans with friends (or on my own). Surprisingly fewer naps. And I’ve started goofing on Instagram, and it’s helped me with getting in touch with my photographer side (have I said this already? I feel like I said this already. Oh, well. I’d said it twice.) Happy you makes for happy y’all.

But what if your you time isn’t enough? Because sometimes, say if you have fallen into a depressive state, it’s not. So what do you do?

Communicate. For the love of all that is sacred and profane: communicate.

These people love you. Or strongly like you (because maybe y’all haven’t reached the love stage, and that’s okay.). They want to be in your life. Even if you don’t know why sometimes. Even if you don’t know why a lot of the time. They know why, and that’s fine. My boyfriend, just moments ago, jokingly-not-jokingly said to me something like (I’m slightly altering it, but he says he heard it elsewhere, but he can’t remember where. Feel free to tell me so that I can credit whoever.), “Don’t worry about believing in you. Believe in me who believes in you.”

Anyway. They want to be around you. They want you to be happy. They can’t help you if you don’t let them in. So do that. As hard as it can be sometimes, do that. Even if you’re repeating yourself or if you know that your worries are irrational. Sometimes, I cognitively know one thing but feel something that is the complete opposite. And I cannot reconcile it in my mind, so I end up asking for validation. I try not to do that too often because I cannot depend on other people for my happiness.

And what I mean by that is that people are not responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for that. If you are sad, you cannot be mad at someone for not being able to make you feel better. And when I’m down, I don’t blame other people for my depression. I don’t blame other people for my anxiety. Or I try not to. Maybe I do and can’t think of instances right now. But I try really hard to own my mess.

But sometimes it’s too much. And that’s okay. And when that happens, I communicate. Because it’s part of taking care of myself. And part of that is letting my partners help. It’s what they want to do.

Happy you is a happy y’all. (I am having so much fun typing that. I have no idea if it’s fun to read for anyone else, and I kind of don’t care.)