Hey, everyone! I was going through a bout of writer’s block and asked friends for ideas on what to write. One idea that came up was people’s introductions into polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (not to equate the two, as polyamory is under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, but I imagine that the process of bringing this up with a partner is similar). I’ve already mentioned mine in here, but I can bring up the reader’s digest version here:
My Story, Condensed (for me at least)
I had friends who were polyamorous for a long while, and the idea intrigued me. One day, I remember asking my husband what his thoughts were, to kind of test the waters, but he was not into the idea. I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but he thought the notion was ridiculous (which is pretty funny now). Not to make him doubt my commitment with him, I kind of laughed it off and said something like, “Yeah, totally. What you said.” Fast-forward about 3-5 years, my husband—who was comfortable with the notion of casual play with others, so long as we did so together—had brought up the idea of a casual encounter with a married couple we’d met through a friend (the friend now being my girlfriend). At first, I was okay with the idea, but my anxiety increased over the course of the week between the conversation of casual play and the intended act of casual play. By the weekend, I was a mess, and the wife of the couple suggested having a relationship. This idea instantly put my mind at ease, as I identify as demisexual (meaning that I have to know a person before I really dig them), so this was up my alley. My husband and I talked about it. I remember it being pretty brief. He asked if I was sure that I was okay with it, and I said I was. And that was that. Then we delved into the literature and podcasts and asked our poly friends questions.
I imagine that’s not the norm. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is no norm. And that’s what I want to find out. So I’m asking around and collecting stories, leaving out names, as I don’t include anyone’s in here. To be sure that I don’t misinterpret anything, I’m including their stories in their own words (aside from the omission of names).
Story #1
I was the kid no one wanted ‘cause I tried too hard to be liked, although I didn't understand that at the time. I wanted something like what I read about in the Anita Blake books, where people could just dog-pile and no one got offended over where someone's hand was. I didn't know what poly was until I met [former spouse]. Once we got together, he asked me if I was willing to be poly, and being the laid-back guy I was, I said sure. I'd give it a try. I've really liked it. I don't know that I'll go back to being monogamous. There might be times where I only have one partner, but I'll always feel poly. Love is an infinite thing. It’s hubris to think we can stuff it all into one person that is finite.
I then asked the question, “Now that you know what polyamory is, what does it mean to you? Like, how would you define it?”
Response: I prefer it. I just have to be honest, and I get to do things most people won't/can't do like three-ways and such, but it isn't just sex. I can share different things with different people. I prefer it ‘cause there is such a focus on honesty and communication that you just don't see in monogamy. At least I didn't.
Story #2
I got into it the first time by accident. I was 16. The second time was intentional. I was the third, but not a unicorn. I was arguing with my TA in health class, and two girls jumped on the bandwagon with me. After class, we all talked for a long time. One was heavy into BDSM (my first time hearing about it), and the other knew about BDSM and lived with her fiancée. Other girl and I started talking as friends, decided to go swimming at the school pool a few times a week, and just generally hanging out. I asked random questions about poly here and there as shit got brought up by her. I met her fiancée about a month after classes started, and he and I hit it off. I was then asked if I wanted to be their third. I accepted the offer. We all got along well, but then the girl got jealous and controlling.... it got awkward after we all slept together a few times. He wanted more contact with me (to balance out her time with me and their time together), and that got her jealousy going. Instead of discussing it, she demanded it end. And it did, in very early November. That was in 2003.
When discussing the idea of ethical non-monogamy with another partner:
I was blunt from the beginning. “Look, I’m bi. I like girls and guys. I want to sleep with both.”
Him: “ok.”
Me: “I don’t want to cheat on you. Could we try an open relationship?”
Him: “uh, how?”
Then, we chatted for awhile about how that might look. He didn’t want us to date anyone else but was ok with us playing around with other girls sometimes. So, it was that way for awhile....until he decided that me making out with someone else (with his blessing) was, in fact, cheating. So we closed it down for awhile. Until early 2006. Then, we met a girl who we wanted to date. And we did date her together. Until he started seeing her behind my back—think “I’m gonna study at my apartment” but she was over, and he was studying her anatomy. All three of us talked, he and I broke up with her, I thought about ending things with him and almost did. But he and I worked through it. The wedding had already been in the planning stages, and we continued planning and got married that July.
When asked to define polyamory: The ability to—although not always the reality of—have multiple loving and intimate relationships simultaneously. And that love/intimacy may take different forms with various partners. It’s not always sexual. Sometimes it’s super close friendship without sex. Some partners do have sex. And they all know about each other and are okay with it. If someone isn’t all right with what’s happening, it’s discussed. And that discussion may change things. It might not. It depends on what happens during the talk and what people agree on/understand.
Story #3
I was married when I realized that monogamy wasn't for me. Trying to talk to my now ex husband about it was a disaster. He tried to implement the one peen rule, then told me that he didn't believe bisexuality was real (he'd known I am bisexual the whole time), then tried to make us into unicorn hunters and called it progress. Meanwhile I was falling in love with someone else. Things fell apart with him for that and many, many other reasons. When we broke up, I knew I'd never agree to try monogamy again.
Then everything got better. I moved away to live with the person I'd always believed to be my soulmate, who became my nesting partner. The friend I had fallen for while married, who also discovered that polyamory was best for him, is now my long distance significant other (with an in-town girlfriend of his own). I'd love a femme partner as well, and for all the metas to be friends, but with everyone living far apart and being new to this, I know that will take time. I am happy and fulfilled, and I believe my partners feel the same way. 💖
I am still collecting stories, but based on the small sample of stories I have collected (I have a couple more), the early notions of polyamory have a larger focus on sexual activity than over time. I gather that sex continues to be an important factor, in the same way that it’s important in monogamous relationships. However, the focus appears to shift from sexual to emotional. “Love is an infinite thing.” “And that love/intimacy may take different forms with various partners.” “I am happy and fulfilled.” I’m interested in seeing if this trend continues as I collect more stories.
End of Part I. Keep sending me stories, y'all! Edit: You can email me now! HypoManicPixie@gmail.com!
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