Which brings me to today’s post. There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory in mainstream society. I figure that this is a relevant topic of interest because:
- As I learned from asking people in the lifestyle how they began their polyamorous relationships, I found that some had discrepancies between what they believed initially and what they believe now about polyamory.
- Most individuals who submitted their stories wished to be anonymous.
- Which is relatable because I maintain an anonymous blog.
- When I asked around about topic ideas due to having a bout of writer’s block, a friend told me this was a good idea.
Why do we feel the need to be anonymous? Because many people find polyamory to be immoral. They find it damaging to families and to relationships. My mother, although she is supportive of me and my choices, is often concerned over how her grandchildren will turn out as a result. My in-laws have accused us of being selfish and of “pawning off” our children onto them some weekends, when in actuality, we have been sending the children off for weekends with their grandparents as often as we always have—both before they knew we were polyamorous and before we actually were (except that it was just one grandchild in the Before Times, but that’s just me being pedantic by saying that I guess. Unless I’m misusing the word “pedantic.” That’s ironic, right?).
But perception is reality. Because the knowledge is now out there that my husband and I are polyamorous, the view of who we are as people has changed. Which is why I have yet to tell my father, my brothers, or any other member of my family. But we’re the same people. If it weren’t for me telling someone, they would never know. In fact, at my last job, a fellow coworker joked about how boring I was, having no idea that my plans after work consisted of driving two hours to see my two boyfriends at the time for the entire weekend (much of the time, bringing along my kids to play with their children).
I wanted to ask others their reasons for not being open about being polyamorous. But then I realized that it would be redundant, as the reasons tend to be pretty much why I don’t tell most of my family, friends, or cohorts at work. Ostracization is a big deal to many, and sometimes it leads to things like unemployment. But here’s one other person’s perspective:
“I'm out-ish. I don't tell people super-casually, most of my actual friends know, and one co-worker knows. I used pictures with my face on dating sites where I disclosed my non-monogamy. There's a stigma, and that stigma will only fade by the exposure of polyamorists, but in the meantime we still have to deal with that stigma in day-to-day life.” ~ Alex (He gave the OK to use his first name, y’all.)
Ironically, by hiding this aspect of ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the misconceptions in society regarding polyamory. How are we going to combat this if we stay silent?
Said the chick with the anonymous blog.
Well, I do me. This is how I fix things. Others are out there being, well, out there.
“I'm fairly out because I don’t like having to hide parts of myself from people I'm otherwise close to . . . I don’t like having to remember who’s in the know and who isn’t, and I really hate having to pretend that I don't have feelings for someone that I'm in love with just because we're not in front of the ‘right’ people. Also, I do feel that if there aren't more public examples of healthy poly, then it will never be really accepted as a relationship choice.” ~ Nina
And this leads into my next blog post, which will be a guest post written by Dorothy (who has explicitly stated that she is open and that she does not mind her name being mentioned).
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