1. So you’re cheating? No. You have “polyamory” confused with “cheating.” With polyamory, all parties involved are open with communication and give consent. If no consent, then cheating. But I have consent. So no cheating.
2. So you like sleeping around? No. Actually, very no. First of all, that’s not how this works. Unless that’s what works for other people, in which case, you do you. But that’s not how it works for me. In fact, I find it very difficult, if not impossible, to “sleep around,” as I require an emotional spark. Also, I have some super old baggage regarding my sexuality that I am still slowly unpacking, so having sex with someone new for the first (and second, third, fourth) time(s) is a comedy of errors.
3. I thought you loved your husband? I do.
4. Does this mean you love your husband less? Nope. Love is not a finite resource, as it turns out!
5. I guess this means that you’re too evolved for jealousy, huh? Nope. It’s a very normal, human emotion. But through open and honest communication with my significant others (as well as personally challenging my negative self-talk), this is something that can be overcome. But just because it is overcome does not mean that it never comes back.
6. Are you after my husband? No.
7. Are you after my wife? No.
8. Wait, what’s up with that last question? Oh, yeah. I’m pansexual too.
9. What’s that? It means I’m attracted to the person and not to what’s between a person’s legs.
10. Oh, shit. So you’re trying to get with everyone?? No. See questions 2, 6, and 7.
11. Why not say that you’re bisexual? Because sexuality is more complicated than that, but I really don’t care how you label it personally.
12. Did we get off-topic? Yes.
13. Wait, wait, wait. What if my significant other tries to get with you now that (s)he knows that you’re poly? I will shut him/her down for the following reasons: You are clearly not cool with it. I do not condone cheating. I may not even be interested. Even if I were, I would need to speak with my significant others. Which I would not even bother doing because you are clearly not cool with it.
14. So you’re sure your husband is okay with this? I’m sure.
15. How you know? We started this together as a triad about two years ago when we thought we were gonna have some casual shenanigans with a couple, but then I freaked out when it was going to become a reality, when the wife suggested dating and taking things slowly. So we mulled it over and decided it was a good idea and went for it.
16. Did you have any idea what you were doing? Not really. We have had plenty of polyamorous friends for years, we’ve listened to a lot of podcasts on the topic, read up on FetLife and through the All Powerful Google, and heard that The Ethical Slut is the book to read (but we never did). And we just asked people about their personal experiences.
17. And what did you learn? That everyone is different. Not everyone handles polyamory in the same fashion. The core principles are communication, consent, and honesty. Make sure you’re all on the same page and in agreement and in the know.
18. And it’s that easy? Not always.
19. Why not? Because communication is hard sometimes, and what you say is not always what is heard, or what you think you said is not always what you really said and so is not what is heard. And sometimes you don’t know you’re not communicating well until it’s brought to your attention that you’re not communicating well. But if you keep communication open, then that’ll eventually come to light, and you can work on it from there.
20. What? It works out. Just keep being open and honest. It may not be easy all the time, but that’s how you make it happen.
21. So you said that you and your husband date the same people? No. We used to though. Now my husband has a boyfriend and a girlfriend, who are married to each other, and I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, who date each other. I’m also “talking” with a long-time friend from college days and have gone on a couple of dates with him, and my recent ex (who is the husband of the spouse that my husband and I dated together when we first became polyamorous) and I are on good terms and are most likely going to give things another go when stars align. And I’m crushing on a local dude but haven’t told him because I have no spine and fear rejection.
22. Does everyone get along? Thankfully, yes! This was not always the case when our “polycule” (I wish I made up that word, but no) consisted of different people. However, getting along is not necessarily a requirement in polyamory. But it definitely helps. Especially if you’re someone like me who wants to be able to bring everyone in the same room and have a party or a game night. Not everyone is like that though. But thankfully, I can do that with the current structure.
23. Does anyone ever end up feeling left out? Sometimes, yeah. See questions 5, 19, and 20. Or if you don’t feel like scrolling: it’s important for you to express when you feel this way, and then all people involved can figure out why. Is it an issue with partners not giving enough attention? If yes, then fix that. If not, what’s up, and what can we do about it?
24. But what about the children? WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?? Actually, my husband, his partners, and my girlfriend and her husband are all parents, and my boyfriend wants kids. The other aforementioned dudes are also parents. My kids love their current meta-siblings and loved their former ones, and all partners love my kids. And for a time, my mom was on board because she kept harping on me to have another kid, despite the fact that my husband got snipped over two years ago. To that though, she’d say, “Well, now you got other options…”
25. How do you meet people like this? How did I? Or how can you? Because I happened to already know people who were polyamorous, and then I met people through people. But if YOU are polyamorous and are looking to meet like-minded individuals, there are Facebook groups, Meetup groups, and you can try some online dating sites. OKCupid and Tinder are open to it, but I have heard of others that are not.
26. So you mentioned that you came out to your mom. Why not to your dad? Well, I don’t think he would outright disown me, because he spent over two decades out of my life, so he wouldn’t want to cut me out for the years he has left. I imagine that he would outwardly say he doesn’t care, while inwardly having some issues. But that, in and of itself, would not bother me. However, my dad cannot keep a secret for the life of him. So if you tell Dad something, expect the whole family to know.
27. Why not tell everybody? Because I’m not ready for my whole family to know. And I’m not sure if I want my job to know, even though therapists are supposed to be pretty open-minded and nonjudgmental folks. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to let everyone know. I’m not sure if it’s something that everyone even needs to know. The benefit of me telling everyone under the sun is that I don’t have to hide (Well, I’m sorta not hiding. I go out on dates in public all the time. My favorite coffee shop has seen me bring in at least three different people.). The risks are hearing and witnessing the disapproval and dealing with all repercussions. Being cut out of people’s lives and scolded. I have no idea what else to anticipate. Hopefully y’all understand why I don’t up and shout it from the rooftops. Maybe I will one day.
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