It’s a’ight.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently hypothesized that perhaps my depression was actually misdiagnosed type two bipolar disorder. So for the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been on a lower dosage of Wellbutrin (was originally on 150 mg, went up to 300 mg for about a month and a half, now back down to 150 mg again) with an added mood stabilizer of Abilify (2.5 mg for the first five days, then up to 5 mg from then onward).
So far, so good. After the first week, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling better naturally, or if it was because of the medication change. Then on the same day that I was wondering that, I had a dramatic shift where I was easily irritable for a few hours. Again, it’s hard to tell if my emotions were organic or store-bought. Perhaps it was me getting used to the chemical changes in my brain.
Strangely enough, it wasn’t until Friday that I realized that I’ve been fine for a few days now. It’s not that I haven’t felt sad at times, but I think I’ve just been run-of-the-mill sad and not “my life is literally over, so let’s close the garage door without turning off the car” sad (which is just a thought I have and never a plan I have). I was out for coffee with a friend and talking to her about my poly life and how happy my boyfriend makes me (everyone makes me happy, but we were talking about this dude). I was telling her how he makes me laugh and, most times, “makes me forget how miserable I am.” So she asks me, “Oh, no, you’re still miserable??”
“Huh… Actually, no.”
I’ve been feeling motivated to do things that I used to find enjoyment and fulfillment in. For instance, about a week ago, I went on a pub run with a friend and stayed out for hours just talking (and drinking and running of course). I keep “meaning to” run, and sometimes it’s my own laziness stopping me, but most times it’s the fickle weather. This week, while I haven’t run, I’ve consistently walked two days in a row and have met my step goal on my Fitbit, so I’m keeping active.
In addition to running/walking (well, just walking right now, but whatever), I’m getting back into photography. While I was out to coffee with my friend, I had three different moments where it seemed like Someone Out There was trying to give me a sign to get back into my artistic side. (1) My friend had pointed out the art on the walls, and I instantly thought, “I wonder if I could talk to someone about getting some of my stuff up there.” (2) A friend from college messaged me to see if she could use my photographs for stories she is writing. (3) A woman walked up to me and my friend and made sure to personally invite us to the opening of her art show coming up and mentioned that she is setting up shop around the corner and going to be a consultant for artists in the area.
To be clear, I’m still trying to figure out where I fit spiritually, but all of that felt like Something was speaking to me. You can call it coincidence if you want, and I’m not going to argue with you. I’m just saying what I believe.
At any rate, I felt reinvigorated and have actually started using my Instagram account (which I hadn’t used since like 2014-2015, and even then, I barely used the thing). I know that using Instagram doesn’t make you a photographer, but it keeps me in the habit of photographically documenting my life, which is a thing that I used to do regularly. I also re-activated my photography page and alerted my friends and family of that fact, so if people would like to book sessions with me, they can. But mostly, I just want to visit a ghost town and go crazy snapping shots. I’ve never done that before but have been wanting to soooooooo much.
Also on a photo note, I ordered prints online and then made a collage at work that’s mostly of the current version of my polycule, plus pictures of my kiddos and a couple of close friends. Looking over at the corkboard on my desk makes me smile.
I’m a lucky gal with wonderful people in my life, and I feel capable of accomplishing a great deal of things at the moment.
I hope this lasts.
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