Making Time

I realized that I forgot the most important frequently asked question in my last post, which is, "How do you even have time for all of that? I could never do that!" I honestly used to tell myself that when my polyamorous friends would discuss their lives in the "Before Time." 

I've always made efforts to be a perpetually busy person because I practice inertia. I find that if I'm not constantly in motion, then I'm going to have difficulty even beginning to move. So this manifests in ways like working constantly, committing to several social events in a week, taking on new projects (like, say, starting up a blog--this is far from my first one), and so forth. I spent pretty much all of my 20s saying that I was "too busy" to do a lot of things. For instance, I would turn down going on family vacations because I didn't see how I could take off the time. I always put off this or that because I didn't think I could work it into my schedule. Which, granted, competed with the belief system of needing to be constantly in motion.

I still struggle with the balancing act of living, but I'd like to think that I'm doing a lot better at it. Sure, I do have a job, am working on my doctorate, am a mother of two, and am in three and a half relationships, but I feel a lot less stressed these days...... Which isn't to say that I don't feel stressed at all or that I'm not a stressed-out person, because that's kind of my baseline. But I'm somehow making it work. In part, I don't have a large caseload at work, which makes things easier on me because my boyfriend and girlfriend are able to have dates with me in the daytime, and I'm able to schedule overnight visits with them that coincide with my husband's overnights with his partners.

I don't think I've actually answered the question that sparked this. I think what it comes down to is simply making room. One of the reasons why I didn't date my girlfriend and boyfriend sooner was that I didn't think I could fairly give enough time to either of them. (The primary reason was that I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I didn't think that it would be fair to put anyone else through what I was going through--even though they were hearing about it on a friend level... But had they gotten "promoted," it would have been even more, and that seemed cruel to put people through. But this reason also connects to not being able to give time, because how could I devote my time to more people if I was involved in a messy situation? P.S. Sorry for vague-posting about that. Again.) But when I did decide to give things a go with them, I communicated right off the bat that I wasn't sure how much time/energy that I could give but that I would do my best. I wanted to be sure that they were both on board with this and if they'd be okay with taking things slowly and just seeing where things took us. And, thankfully, they were good with this. And I was surprised with how well things fit. I tend to meet up with them once or twice a week, although there have been times when I've gone a couple of weeks without seeing either of them. Even so though, I talk to them online every day or nearly so, and I talk with the boyfriend on the phone often because he's one of those awesome people who likes to call his girlfriends to hear their voices.

Another thing: routine. It's important to have one. To be fair though, I have a somewhat chaotic one with my boyfriend and girlfriend because we don't have any particular day of the week or anything that we set aside. But we work around each other's routines in order to meet up. For instance, I know not to make plans with my girlfriend most weekday evenings because of her classes (which also works out pretty well because I tend to spend my weekday evenings at home with my husband and kiddos). I know that my boyfriend has class during such-and-such times during the week, so I clearly can't meet up for lunch if he's in a poli sci class. We should probably figure out particular weekly/biweekly this-or-thats.... (I think we're organically doing that for weekend overnights though, with me toggling between Girlfriend's house and Boyfriend's house every other weekend or so.) But routines help make things less stressful because you have an idea of what to expect.

Once again, I'm not sure how cohesive this post is, if it's overall linear or overly tangential (which is just how I talk). But I'ma bring it all together here: How do I have time? How can I make it work? Communicating expectations and ensuring everyone is on the same page (you don't want to get involved and have different views on what you want, because someone/everyone will be disappointed) before giving things a go, checking in as time goes on, and establishing a semblance of a routine.