I wasn't entirely sure what I would post about next. I had thought about posting an update to some Frequently Asked/Anticipated Questions post that I'd made on my Facebook last year, but I want to table that for now. I've decided that I want to discuss "disentanglement," which I mentioned in the last post.
So what is it? I don't have a poignantly-phrased definition for it, but it's a way of being your own person with your own hobbies and routines. It sounds simple enough, doesn't it? And maybe you truly are like that already. Or, if you're like me, you think you've achieved this, only to later find that you haven't. This was the case for me when we first started out as polyamorous. See, I prided myself in being my own person prior to three years ago, because when I first met my husband, I was going through a struggle with finding who I was outside of a relationship. It was actually why I hadn't dated him sooner. Before him, I was always trying to find where I fit in my significant other's life, rather than choosing to live my own life and seeing if this person's life was a good match for me. Anyway. After getting together with my now-husband, there were some growing pains with finding the balance between being a girlfriend and being any other role in my life, but I made it work. We moved in together after a couple of years of dating, with me uprooting to live with him in another state, so that was difficult at first. But I made friends with people at work, I enrolled in grad school and made friends there, I walked around my neighborhood and would take trips to the local coffee shop, I made road trips with friends sans my husband and would not feel like I was being ripped away from my other "half" because we were two different people. So that seems pretty autonomous, yeah?
Sorta. I mean, it is. But I didn't take into account that when I wasn't in school, when I wasn't at work, and when I wasn't on road trips, I was with my husband. Which is totally fine. But it was a routine. School and work were a part of it, and friend time was built around it. Couple time was a happy, necessary part of my life.
And it still is!
But looking back, it was the most important part. Which is also totally fine! But! If you're going to live a polyamorous lifestyle, you need to reprioritize a bit. Although some would debate against that. This is where people would argue about which polyamorous structure you're following: hierarchical, egalitarian, or anarchical. I argue that hierarchical and egalitarian are on a spectrum, because I feel like I'm somewhere on it, rather than being either/or. My husband and I started out as hierarchical, meaning that our relationship was primary. Eventually, we became more egalitarian, with all other relationships being equal (as the name suggests), and now we're somewhere in between I guess. It's hard for me to explain. Regardless, no matter which structure you follow, you still need to check your priorities.
And check your jealousy. So yeah, we're revisiting that. Because it's everywhere.
When my husband would go on dates, it was hard for me at first. Particularly since we were dating the same person, so I didn't have either partner with me because they were both gone. But eventually when I had more partners, I was able to occupy my time more. But then when other partners were busy--such as when I was dating a married couple, and they would like to spend time together (as they well should), and my husband was gone, I would hurt. In part, because I was jealous. Maybe that was the biggest part, honestly. But also? I was lonely. I was used to having someone. Hell, that's part of the deal in getting married. You always have that person, right?
It wasn't really until I was talking it out with my therapist that I realized that I'd become dependent on my husband over the years, and even dependent on my other partners. And, to a degree, I still am, because I'm a work in progress, just like everyone else. What my therapist suggested: become happy being alone. You have to be good with being around yourself. Because sometimes people aren't going to be there. And that’s okay. I think it’s also about trusting your partners, in that time away from you does not mean that they do not want to be with you and that they are going to be with you later (whenever “later” is). Just like when you’re with one partner, it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your other partners. It might be about recognizing that you feel some sense of ownership over another person. Maybe. And if that’s the case, you need to work on letting go of that because you don’t own anyone (unless y’all have agreed on some sort of dynamic… but this blog isn’t about that. You do you!).
One thing it definitely comes down to: Realizing that you are responsible for your own happiness. I mean, yeah, you’re with your partners because you’re happy with them, right? (If not, definitely reassess that situation.) But. You are your own person. You have your own thoughts and feelings and wants and needs, and you are responsible for how you behave, how you handle your emotions, how you address any flaws or quirks, how you communicate your wants and needs, and how you better and enrich yourself through your hobbies and self-care and so forth. Your partners are a part of that and are a part of you, but your relationships do not define you. And that can be a difficult realization because then it means you have a lot of mental restructuring to do.
The good news is that you can do it. It takes time, and that’s okay. And so long as you communicate what you’re going through, ask for patience, maybe even ask for tips on how your partners have or are going through it, then your relationships will be okay with it too.
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