Newbie Problems and How to Face Them (Or I How I Did)

My husband and I have been together since 2005, married since 2009, and polyamorous since 2015. With all the thought I had had over the concept of polyamory, actually choosing to shift from monogamy to polyamory was not at all as complex as it probably should have been. It was more or less me asking my husband what he thought when we were asked if we were interested in becoming two-thirds of a triad. He was up for it, and he wanted to be sure that I really was okay with the notion. “Sure,” I said. “Why not?”

Now. That’s probably not the way to do it. But it’s thankfully worked out for us. Eventually at least. If you’re looking into polyamory, you probably think that there’s no such thing as jealousy in our world. You’d be wrong. You’re not less “evolved” if you feel jealousy. It’s a valid and human emotion. It’s just that being polyamorous means that you have to really delve into why you’re feeling that way. (And, honestly, you should delve into the whys when you’re monogamous as well. But we’re not talking about that.) It’s important to recognize the drive behind that emotion in order to process it and move past it.

Side note: You might notice some therapeutic/psychological verbiage. That’s because I’m a mental health therapist. End side note.

I bring up jealousy because that happened a lot when we first started on this adventure. At least for me. He didn’t have any problems and dove right in, which was surprising, considering that when I’d brought up the concept some years before, he scoffed at the notion. I’m not sure what changed in him, but it doesn’t really matter. At any rate, it seemed odd that he was acclimating better than I was, when it was something that I’d considered for quite some time. Seeing my husband excited about another woman made me feel “less than,” as if I wasn’t enough for him anymore.

And there’s a pitfall that newbies find. You could call it a cognitive distortion, if you will. Or if you won’t. Whatever. The concept of being “enough” is something that you just need to throw out the window. Consider how you [probably] have more than one friend. For me, I have some friends that I can meet for coffee. I have some friends that I can go out with for drunken karaoke. I have friends who love talking for hours on the phone about nothing. Others who want to go on photography expeditions with me. Not all of these people overlap. And that’s okay. You don’t think of your friends as lacking in any kind of area. You just know who you can go to for what. Some are easier to talk to than others. Some are funnier than others. You have that one friend who is a walking encyclopedia even when he doesn’t have his smartphone at his fingertips.

I’m beating a dead horse. Anyway. You can translate that to romantic relationships. Sometimes folks just end up meeting different needs, and other times there’s overlap. In fact, in my experience, there’s a lot of overlap. But I appreciate being able to take one partner out for coffee who actually likes to drink coffee, so I don’t have to make my husband suffer through it when he doesn’t appreciate any kind of hot beverage. It’s not always as simplified as “Who can I have a coffee date with?” but sometimes it is.

At any rate, I felt jealous. There was my husband getting downright giddy about whenever we’d make plans with our at-the-time girlfriend. He’d always been giddy for me because our dynamic wasn’t too far off from newlywed status. We were just always adorkable together. So the idea of him being that way for someone else was foreign. People fear the unknown. Also? He was super excited over the idea of having sex with her. This upset me because he and I had not been having sex all that often at the time. So this made me feel inadequate.

And this is where I introduce the term NRE, which is New Relationship Energy. What’s that? Imagine how you've felt when you started a new relationship. It’s that. For those new to polyamory who are already in established relationships, it can be difficult seeing your partner experience this with someone else. Yes, even when you are also experiencing NRE. As it turns out. (It doesn’t mean that you will have difficulties, but you can. Because I did. So don’t panic if it happens to you. Not that you can stop panicking just because someone told you not to do it. Otherwise, I’d be out of a job.)

Hmm. What else? Much like how we dived headfirst into our first polyamorous relationship, so did we in the literature and the like. We read blogs, listened to podcasts, and hit up our friends living the lifestyle. And what did we learn? Well, if you’ve been looking up information on this, you’ve probably gathered that we learned what you did. And if you haven’t been looking up information, then here’s what you’re gonna find: Everyone has a different viewpoint, but everyone agrees on the need to communicate. You need to communicate what it is you want and expect. The problem with being a newbie is that you probably don’t know what that is. If you do, then good on ya, because I didn’t. But it’s important to communicate your wants and needs and your boundaries. Sometimes you don’t know where your boundaries are until one is crossed. And that’s okay. When it happens, say something. Then renegotiate. Communicate all the things!

Another thing I learned about myself was something that I could not verbalize fully until I read an article about the concept. A lot of polyamory literature will skip this one step in preparing monogamous couples for polyamory, and that’s: detanglement. What this is, is allowing yourself to become your own person while allowing your partner to be his/her own person. And that can be difficult. Especially when you thought you were already there. That’s also part of early jealousy, at least in my experience. Pre-poly life, you and your partner have a particular routine. Polyamory disrupts that routine. People fear change. The solution to this? Come up with a new routine. Make sure that you two continue to make time for each other. And make time for yourself. With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, people often forget to take care of themselves. I am definitely guilty of this.

Growing pains can hurt, but eventually you find yourself strangely more autonomous, despite having more romantic partners. And why is that? Because you’re recognizing what it is you’re looking for to fulfill your life, for one. Also? Even with having multiple partners, you’re gonna spend some time alone. So you gotta get comfortable with that.

I guess to wrap this up, since I feel I’ve exhausted the main points, is to recognize that jealousy is a thing and to contemplate why you’re feeling that way, communicate what you need and what your boundaries are, and work towards becoming your own person. Because you are more than your relationships.