I am still accepting people’s stories as to how they were introduced to polyamory, so if you would like to share, feel free to reach out to me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com!
Story #8:
I don't think I ever bought the idea of monogamy except for a short period of time in my early twenties where I had a very short-lived marriage. It didn't dissolve because of some pining for others or the like. It was just genuinely a bad fit and thankfully ended without a tremendous amount of drama and no property or children to split up. Growing up I felt that the idea of soulmates was terribly silly, and that since over half of the people got divorced obviously something was screwy with the typical monogamous system.
I was first introduced to the idea of multiple committed relationships when first getting into the BDSM scene in my mid 20s. I dabbled in the swinging scene during my married years, and though it was fun it seemed less about emotional connections and was more about fun extracurricular activities. After diving head first into the local BDSM scene, I learned that there were people who developed a large variety of relationship types, some with and some without emotional entanglement. From daddy doms with their baby girls, to play partners, tops and bottoms, and everything in-between I was flooded with ideas of the various flavor combinations of relationships. Some of these relationship models blended together with what I now know to be labeled "poly". Just as there are many different frameworks in the BDSM menagerie of relationship types, the same is with the poly community. It was an eye-opening experience.
After years of dabbling with play partners, rope bunnies, and pain sluts in various "extracurricular activities", I found myself having simultaneous romantic relationships as some of these relationships began to have a stronger emotional connection. It was a new and interesting adventure and just felt so right. The idea of having different people fulfill different niches of your needs is old hat in the kink community, so taking it a step further into the romantic side of things seemed so natural.
Over the past decade and a half of ethical non-monogamy, the biggest challenges I feel include open and honest communication, calendaring (resource management including scheduling time for oneself), and figuring out exactly what you want out of your relationships (and communicating that to your partners and your metas). As people grow and change it is a constant balancing act between wants and needs and what you are willing to offer up of yourself. I feel in the past I have not been as open and communicative even with myself regarding the boundaries I need put in place to have healthy relationships. I would often sacrifice things I needed (time, money, emotional capital) with an expectation I was meeting a need of a partner or jumping to conclusions about needs without even asking if these actions were wanted. Documenting one's boundaries and communicating them to all of your partners and sticking to them when they are tested is crucial to stay honest with your partners and to hold yourself accountable. A declaration of definitions is also something I feel that is vital. As one goes from kink to swingers to poly to whatever, the same words may have subtle nuances where everyone involved in the conversation may feel they know what everyone is talking about but the truth may not be so simple.
Poly life has gifted me with a treasure trove of experiences and has tested me with a myriad of challenges and emotional landmines. It is a path I continue to navigate with varying degrees of success as I continue to grow, to change, to learn, and to work on being a better partner and a better person.
