Missing Partners & The Happy Singlehood

So it’s been a while since I posted because I honestly haven’t been sure of what to write. I feel like I’ve covered a lot, although it’d be naive of me to think that I’ve tackled all topics. I got another submission regarding introductions to polyamory, but I’ll hold off on that a bit (on a related note: remember that you can email me at hypomanicpixie@gmail.com if you have any stories you'd like to share!). Since I can’t think of any words of wisdom to dispense, I’ll just tell y’all a bit about what’s been going on in life lately. Especially since I had, at some point, envisioned that this would at least sometimes be a normal person’s blog, where I talk about my life. So.

My girlfriend and my boyfriend independently made plans that involved them, well, not being here. At the same time. My boyfriend has spent most of the last couple of weeks with his parents, and my girlfriend is off to Europe as part of a school thingamadoo. I’m happy for both of them for getting time to do their own things, but I’ve been missing them a lot.

A thing to know about me is that I used to be, and in some ways still am, a needy person. I remember in high school, dating my on-again/off-again boyfriend well into college, and no amount of time with him was enough. He would literally have to pry me off of him when we would give good-bye hugs, especially when I was in high school—less so in college, but I was still like that to some degree in college. I feel like I can somewhat blame that on us having a long-distance relationship (which folks in the poly lifestyle shorten to “LDR,” as we’ve learned) for years when he was in the Army, and I’d see him for a couple of days a year. But I’m still embarrassed by how I used to act because I recall saying to people when he was gone that it was like I was missing a limb. And when he broke up with me just before coming home on terminal leave, I vowed to not be that person anymore. I didn’t want to be the person sitting around by the phone waiting for a phone call that may or may not come. I didn’t want to pine. I didn’t want to shape my life around another person’s existence, all the while not focusing on my own.

I want to clarify that my on/off boyfriend did not expect this of me. It was something that I expected of myself. It was something that I had, for whatever reason, assumed was how the Perfect Girlfriend was supposed to be. I can blame romantic comedies, but I made my own choices. And after seeing the life I had imagined for myself crumble because of someone else choosing to no longer be a part of it, I told myself that I had to focus on finding what makes me happy, independent of someone else.

Which isn’t to say that I couldn’t be happy with another person. Just that I didn’t want to be dependent upon that person in the process. My therapist at the time called it The Happy Singlehood. I’m not sure if she coined this phrase or read it somewhere, but it’s a notion I’ve followed for the past 14 years.

But I still find myself with bouts of “neediness.” I recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable and expected to miss a partner when they’re away, or when they’re otherwise not available. But for me, it’s not a stretch for me to go from an acceptable level of missing a partner to feeling as though I need that person around. I don’t like that feeling. I’m not proud of that feeling. I’m downright ashamed of that feeling honestly. It’s a thing that I have to work through, and I recognize that, both in feeling that intensely and in accepting that that’s a thing that I do sometimes.

So what do I do? Well, what I’ve been doing is reaching out to them and trying not to expect immediate responses. Because people have lives. And people who go on trips are especially busy. I let them know what I’ve been up to. Which means that I need to have things to do other than reach out to them. Which is all well and good because I also have a life that is independent of existing with my partners. This neediness goes along with my feelings of jealousy, in that the feelings are similar, and I handle them by having a little chat with my cognitive side:

Image credit to Science Daily

Inner Me: "I need this person around."
Brain: "This person can’t be around right now."
Inner Me: "I know. But—"
Brain: "Are you feeling neglected?"
Inner Me: "No."
Brain: "Then you need a distraction. Find a thing to do. Read a book or something."
Inner Me: "Good call. You're so smart."
Brain: "I know. You know you just complimented yourself, right?"
Inner Me: "Shh."

So I do things. Like yesterday: I met up with a friend and helped her pack up some things as she moves from a house to an apartment. I ran with her as part of our preparation for a four-miler in July. I completed initial discussion responses for an online class. I cooked a tasty lunch for myself. Today? I got my steps in by walking laps inside my house while I caught up with a good friend who calls me most mornings. I got to talk to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit while she was in between tours in London. I did some paperwork for my job. I completed my discussion replies to fellow classmates’ initial discussion responses. And my ex / one of my closest friends convinced me that it’s time for another blog, so I’ve spent about 45 minutes working on this. Even though I didn’t think I had anything to write about.

Anyway. I’m not sure how to wrap this up. But I’ll try. I think that being poly is good for me because—despite what folks on the outside may believe—you’re gonna spend some time alone. So you need to be comfortable with yourself to do that. And even after 14 years of effort, I am still a work in progress, but that’s okay because so is everyone else.