Peaks and Valleys

It’s been a long time since I updated. Today, I want to focus on my mental health. As I mentioned some months back, I have been on a mood stabilizer since close to the beginning of the year to address my hypomanic phases. While I would love the bursts of energy that they would provide me to accomplish a great deal of tasks, I did not appreciate the lethargy and depression that would follow for days afterwards. And it has honestly been probably 4-6 months (or whenever my post on here was about my hypomania). 

However, I have noticed lately a feeling of “blah,” which I would like to address. I called attention to this to my Facebook followers, and I got overwhelming support, and some informed me that this, at least to a degree, is normal and that I should focus on appreciating the good things in life.

Additionally, I had theorized that perhaps I should rule out some other things, like hypothyroidism and PMDD. They ran some tests at my psychiatrist’s office last time, and today I found out that (1) my thyroid is working fine, and (2) my cholesterol (both the good and the bad kind) is awesome. Also, I have been logging my moods for a good two months, and I have seen no cyclical patterns in relation to my period, so I can now rule out PMDD. Which is good.

At today’s appointment, I told my psychiatrist about my flat affect, and we’re lowering the dosage of my Abilify (mood stabilizer) from 5 mg to 2.5 mg. So we’ll see if we see a positive change there. But fair warning: I might become extra irritable in a few weeks, so if anyone notices that about me, please let me know.

In the meantime (and beyond), I’ve been working on simply being content. After my aforementioned Facebook post about my mental status, I saw that I’m not alone in my feelings of “blah,” but I’m hoping that the lowered dosage of my mood stabilizer will ensure that I have the right level of blah in my life. (If I see more harm than good, then we’ll go back to the 5 mg on Abilify.)

In addition to more trial and error with my meds and an adjustment in my perspective, my therapist is trying EMDR with me. That’s eye movement desensitization and reprogramming. You can google it for more information, but keep an open mind if you do because it honestly sounds like baloney when you read on the actual technique, but there’s science backing it up. We’re working to break down my hardcore negative cognitions, like, “I’m stupid,” “I’m worthless,” “I’m unworthy of love,” and things like that that are engrained inside of me. The first session of EMDR was difficult because I wanted to stay on track instead of letting my mind wander, which is counterintuitive to the process and strangely counterintuitive to my way of thinking. I have walls built up, and I’ve relatively recently learned that “crying is weak” is one of my negative cognitions (but only for myself. I encourage it in others.), which makes digging into negative memories and so forth difficult because you have to get worse before you get better.

So there’s your latest update in the inner workings of my mind.